Category: Opinion and Advice

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Relax, Poor Exam Scores Do Not Make Your Child an Idiot

maymargaret

Now, as someone who doesn’t have kids but has been a kid, I know children can be dumb. But that’s the point, right? Their brains are still learning, still shaping. Language is still fairly uncertain until around puberty, but before then and even after, their brains are messes of information that is new and exciting, and may not be understood appropriately for years to come. Basically, kids are goopy messes of random and instinct, but they can also be the most wise creatures we can ever meet. They see the world in a brighter, easier light than us adults. And who’s to say that’s a bad thing?

Everyone wants to parent a prodigy, a genius, the next best thing since sliced bread. The number of posts on Facebook of mothers and fathers humble bragging about a long word their child said minutes before goes to show that they simply want to show that their genes must be good, because they made this happen. But what about parents who openly say that their child isn’t bright? What about any adult in a child’s life who says that this child doesn’t have the capacity to achieve academically?

As someone who has had this happen to them, it’s not pleasant. When I was nine, my teacher, Mr Sellers, told my parents during a parents evening that I would not get all my GCSEs, I would not get my A Levels, and a university degree was way out of the question. My parent’s, who had historically heard nothing but good things from my teachers before and after this, hit the roof for this pessimistic and, frankly, dis-empowering prediction for my academic future. I was present at the time, and believe me, a nine year old can and will feel the insult. It was a huge knock to my confidence. We’re taught to trust the adults in our lives, right? We, as children, are taught, or were taught, that the adults are always right.

I’m seeing a similar attitude from a lot of parents recently, in response to their children’s exam results. From the ones who’s children performed well? Nada. From the family members who’s children or grandchildren performed poorly? Common phrases include, “Oh she’s not very bright, like me!” or, “Oh he did okay, he’s not the smartest kid in his class,” with a scrunched up nose that called for sympathy towards her clearly disadvantaged grandson. A friend of mine has a daughter who did well considering her life was undergoing a lot of turbulent changes, but he still followed it up with, “Imagine what you could have achieved if you had buckled down?”

I know, as a very average student at school, that exam scores reflect very little about a child’s ability. I passed every exam and got all my GCSEs, but with mostly Bs and Cs. I felt bad about it, but so many failed in essential exams such as Maths and English while getting As in Textiles and Languages. The fact is, until children are given that control over what they’re learning, many of them won’t shine until after school, maybe even after college. Every child has a passion, something that they would be readily prepared to commit time and energy to. For some it’s Art, or maybe Psychology or Human Biology. Many students can’t stand Math, and will probably do poorly in it, but if a kid loves to read and write stories, the likelihood of performing better in English or English Language/Literature is increased.

Remember all the anecdotal tales of geniuses next time you’re questioning your child’s intellect. Many of the most famously great minds performed badly at school, and one could argue that exams are not a reliable measure of intelligence at all. In fact, most of them rely simply on information retention and recall. They depend on how you are on the day. One might even call them unfairly emphasised as important pieces of the puzzle that builds up a person’s future. As I said, I was an average student, and now I’m doing a masters degree.

Give the kids a chance.

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Mental Health Thoughts – Week One – Stress is Not About Point Scoring

maymargaret

Stress, anxiety and depression do not need a cause. There isn’t a blueprint to each one with outlined causes and risk factors. Poverty, while a huge risk factor, does not guarantee depression. Likewise, wealth does not guarantee happiness. It’s an age old comparison that we sometimes forget, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay to minimise someone’s suffering because we perceive them as privileged. We are all fighting those silent battles.

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Vaccines – what caused our over-sharing society to become so paranoid?

maymargaret

Is this real life? Or is it just science fiction fantasy?

For 18 months, the world we see on our TVs and at the shops has looked more and more, and then less, like what I imagined the real life approach to a pandemic would look like. The movies are always keen to show social collapse, violence over a can of baked beans, and eventual uprising of the everyman who up until now, was just another regular pen pusher whom the viewer knew was capable of something great, because Brad Pitt was playing him. Instead, loo rolls were among the earliest casualties, our messy haired priminister had progressively appeared more and more squiff and while the death count rose and fell, anti vaxers were on high alert, holding kids parties with aggressive smile on their smug faces. I don’t like to use the term Karen, because. I’ve known some nice ones. But we know the type. Anti vaxers have created some hum dinger theories about vaccines. And as someone who’s fiance was diagnosed with autism very early on in life, I know it is a personality type with too many facets to be delivered in a vial.

But the latest pandemic has really brought out the almost militaristic conspirators out and given them a reason to be, and I saw this for myself at, ironically, a wellness event.

On a recent weekend, we visited a wonderful Living Well event in Shrewsbury, a town local to myself. The birth place of Charles Darwin, and I’m sure this is ironic somewhere down the line. There were talks about meditation, Buddhism and yoga, and tents advertising holistic healing practices such as reflexology and sound baths. As someone who loves learning about what others believe and why, while also learning techniques that may or may not help me, I was in my element, and wanted to soak in what I could. So, to the band stand I went for a talk about conscious eating. It was packed. I was approached by a fellow who seemed quite zen, and we started talking. It was then that I realised, when he mentioned protests, that one of us was at the wrong meeting. It was him. They were anti vaxxers and covid deniers, and they were promptly moved on.

This interaction got me thinking for the rest of the day. I would like to think that, had I stayed, what the conversation would have been like, and if they would have taken a bit of counter argumentation. I would love to ask someone why the earth’s governments would lead its economies into despair for the sake of a ‘scam’.

My favorite theory is that with our vaccines, we are being injected with a microchips. These microchips will gather information from us, track our movements, and some other cool things no one feels absolutely hundred percent about. Where are the breading grounds for such ideas? Social media. Anyone else think this is ironic? Yes, I know, I’m overusing the word.

A couple of years ago, I started work for a company that dealt in pensions. During our training, I took away some very valuable information concerning social media. One example was quizzes and questionnaires. We’ve all done them: which Disney Princess are you? What flavour Jelly Bean are you? How many children will you have? To find out this pivotal piece of information, we go through a series of questions like, what is your clothing style, what is your favourite food, where are you most likely to spend your Saturday nights? By the time you get your answer, the companies that created these quizzes know enough about you to target your social media pages with adverts on things you might like, based on your answers. If you answered that you’d spend your Saturday night reading a book because you secretly want to be Belle, don’t be surprised to get shown some great reading material on your feed.

Obviously, any amount of time spent on social media displays the nature of present society; our walls are adorned with memes our friends have tagged us in, parents are often more than happy to share photos and cute videos of the latest adorable thing their little one has done. We check in to bars and exotic sites we visit on holiday, our likes include favourite bands, books and movies. And that’s just Facebook. On TikTok, people share their family members and households, with everything inside, for potentially hundreds of thousands of people to see for the sake of doing some dance challenge (I don’t know TikTok). And all this is done through mobile devices we carry around all the time. We search embarrassing ailments on Google, we buy every day items on Amazon, we date through apps such as Tinder. So my question is, if we were to be micro-chipped, what other information could it take from us? We are track-able as we are transparent. And really, for those who are prepared to share every headache and bowel movement, what more is their left to hide?

Obviously, I’m speaking hypothetically, because that’s all I think anti-vax arguments deserve. Vaccines have eradicated small pox, they’ve paved our path out of this world wide lock down. The suggestions that they turn children gay or autistic (or, at present, robots capable of only thinking what they’re told via a chip beneath the skin) just show the lack of knowledge or awareness of how vaccines, and people, work. It’s understandable to mistrust the vaccines in terms of how quickly they came into existence, but even this can be rectified with an attempt at finding out how vaccine, or any drug, trials work. The vast majority of trials is spent waiting around for paper work to be signed, boards and committees to get to the next thesis in a huge pile of theses (is that right?), for funding, yada yada. This process can take years…unless it’s a world wide emergency. Suddenly, the demand means that the thesis is at the top of the pile and the funding is coming from all corners of the planet. Covid vaccines happened quickly because they were a lot more necessary than the latest new and improved paracetamol. And yet, anti vaxxers continue. In fact, there’s a very good book I do recommend called Bad Science by Ben Goldacre, who delves into the logic (or lack thereof) of how vaccines garnered so much mistrust. In short, all it takes is some unrelated research papers, and a dose of iffy interpretation. It’s shocking, and frankly disappointing, that this decade old book is still applicable to today in this argument.

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

When It’s Time to Leave (Your Job, That Is)

maymargaret

Job hunting is stressful, and never so stressful when you have bills to pay, and no money coming in. It’s not just a financial worry, it strains your mental wellbeing and your sense of self worth, too. To be employed, at the very least, gives a sense of independence, usefulness and productivity. No shit, Sherlock, you might say. But in a world in which Universal Credit and benefits are treated by some as a wage from a career they are fairly cosy in, being employed feels to some like a choice between taking money away from others who need those benefits more, or having that feeling at the end of the day when you can put your feet up, knowing you’ve earned it. 

But there comes a time in so many jobs that many of us often dread; the knowledge that we need to move on. Maybe it’s boring, or dead end, or it just doesn’t pay enough anymore. And while having a secure income during the pandemic has felt more and more like a privilege, this imposing shadow might only grow as the world begins to open up. I write this blog now, as this is currently what I’m going through. For around 9 months now, I’ve been experiencing what I can only define as anxiety around my job; there’s no chance of advancement, and, to me, it doesn’t feel like I’m contributing anything to society beyond my taxes. I’m not helping anyone in the way that I want to, and instead I sit for around eight hours a day wondering what the hell I’m doing. 

So what’s stopping me from moving on? Nothing at all. Besides, in fact, job security. Today, that is a biggy. Not all of us can afford to chase our dream careers. Me? I want to be a counsellor. But in my neck of the woods, training and education beyond my degree and level four diplomas would take me out of work for more time than my managers would allow. I would need whole days to travel to a university an hour’s train ride away for lectures and placements and no earnings. Where I live, unless you want a career in finance, it’s very difficult to find anything.

But that doesn’t mean you should dismiss those concerns. So, what are the signs?

  1. Listlessness – listelessness, or boredom, or just absolute disinterest in your job is a red flag. This might be borne from a dull and monotonous task, a feeling that you’re not getting any closer to what you want to achieve, or frustration with work colleagues who seem to think that one mistake means the difference between life or death, even though it doesn’t.
  2. You can’t think of anything you like about it – at work, it’s not just the task in hand to think about. It’s the building, it’s the perks, it’s the colleagues. You spend more time with these people than most, maybe even anyone. That’s one terrifying thought, particularly if you’re not a fan. Maybe one of them has an annoying voice, while such and such over the way talks way too loudly about her personal life, and the guy behind you is too keen on telling everyone how educated and well connected he is socially. It might not be anything at all, and they might simply be lovely people who just don’t tickle your fancy. Work isn’t about making friends, but you spend around a third of your day with these people, so you may as well like them
  3. Any other job seems to have more purpose – There’s tons of jobs out there, some more desirable than others. That’s just how it is. But if they mostly seem like something else you’d sooner do because they tick a box that is presently unticked, don’t be too hasty. The grass isn’t always greener, but it’s worth the peek. 
  4. Anything seems like it would be better than this – I once had a job that was so awful, I would look out of the window and envy the people sat outside on a bench, going about their day, simply because they didn’t work in this place. I left after three months with no job lined up, but it was the right thing to do. I do feel like I did myself a disservice by not walking out with my bag or calling in during my lunch of watching the ducks, but alas, when you’re favouring watching the ducks over work, maybe you should rethink your path.
  5. Anxiety – anxiety over going into work is not normal, and it shouldn’t be normalised. If you believe that your work is triggering it, have a word with your manager. But, don’t expect it to go away just like that. If you hate your job so much, or you’re simply so bored with it that it triggers anxiety attacks, take yourself away from the situation and nip it in the bud. I don’t mean quit, but mental health sick days need to be encouraged if they are ever going to be accepted as just as essential as actual sick days. No job that doesn’t feel important to you is worth making yourself sick over. 

There are tons of other signs to look out for, because they are personal to you. The above are only my personal experiences. But what can you do in this situation? It’s always scary to make that choice to move on, but theres a way to go about it. If you’re having doubts about your employment, have a word with your immediate superior and let them know that you’re thinking about looking for another job. If you have that kind of relationship, they will only respect your openness for being so honest. Keeping your CV up to date can give you the sense of worth that you may have forgotten from months or years of doing the same thing over and over. We’re constantly learning new skills, and remember to include an ‘about me’ section, because not everything is learned on the job. Also, if you’re on the fence about leaving your job despite your reservations, volunteering might be for you. 

Good luck!

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

There Was Such Thing as Normal, and We Will Find it Again

maymargaret

Sometimes, I write a post for me. Actually, no. All the time, I write a post for me. A bit like a diary entry that I know people will be able to read. My thought is, what kind of thing would I like to read at a specific moment? What would help me right now? So I write something that would have done me good to read.

It’s normal to be apprehensive right now. A few months ago, we were in pubs and shopping aggressively to make up for the weeks or months spent in lockdown. By the New Year, it felt like we were back to square one. No restaurants to eat at, no Primark to shop in for clothes that we wouldn’t be able to wear until the next gathering. Just same old boring waiting at home, watching our lives pass by while key workers did their bit and saved the world.

And now here we are, going out again and trying to find where our normal is. I’ll be honest, it still feels far away. I go to the gym, and the odd meal out, but the arrow system and the increased number of anti bac dispensers are a constant visual reminder that we still have a ways to go. And it might be tempting to follow what an increasing number of people are doing; trying to rush into it. Since the vaccine has rolled out in it’s droves, it’s clear to see that some people think that we are well and truly out of the woods. But it’s thinking like that that kept us in lockdown in the first place.

So how can we still find our normal in these circumstances? And, importantly, how can we embrace the inevitable change a pandemic will bring?

1. Expect it to take time; it’s not going to happen instantly. There are enough sayings, proverbs and fables to remind us that things take time if they’re worth having at all. It might be a huge shift to go from staying in at night to choosing to go to a restaurant, or even from getting your shopping delivered to your home to going to your local shop to pick up the coffee. Baby steps might be your best option here.

2. Set your boundaries – your friends might be eager to rush out into the world and hug you the first chance they get. But this doesn’t mean you’re ready for such close contact. I’ll be honest, the social distancing thing, besides in terms of my family, has suited me down to the ground. I love having an excuse to not get close to people besides my own discomfort of closeness and touchy feely ickiness. I have a friend who is, contrastingly, very fond of hugging, and insists on hugs every time we meet. I don’t see the point in this; I didn’t miss her, I don’t need comfort, and I am generally not overly comfortable with it. When you go out there again, and see the people you haven’t seen for so long, set your limits to what you’re comfortable with; we’ve all lived this pandemic, and they ought to understand.

3. Not all changes will be bad – man, I miss buffets. I miss stuffing my face until I feel ill, but I also can’t ignore how it is rather a gross concept, potentially eating food that others have touched and, in any case, has been exposed to the air, containing pathogens catapulted into it via coughs, sneezes, laughter etc. I think the buffet is too ingrained into society to be phased out, but there are still changes I hope to see stay for the long term. I like anti bac being readily available, particularly going into shops where other people have touched the items I’m also going to touch. I like ordering on the phone app at Pizza Hut and not having to wait a very long time for the bill when all I want to do is go home and slip into a carb coma. I like everyone wiping down the gym equipment, even though they’re usually supposed to anyway but how many people really stick to it? I like arrows, I like order, basically. Even masks I’ve become quite fond of, particularly now that I can talk to myself without anyone seeing, or sing, or mutter insults to rude people. Sure, many of the rules and restrictions will lift, and they will be phased out, very many of them leaving with minimal sadness from any of us.

4. Decide what your normal you want, and chase it – not everyone entered this pandemic as someone who loved the nightlife, hugging, eating out most nights and travelled. To many, the pandemic brought very few restrictions, because that was how our lives were anyway. For me, I’m a mix. I love going out, and I love travelling and concerts, but I also enjoy staying in and enjoying my own company. Don’t feel like to have to do things simply because you can do them again. I can’t stand nightclubs. I’ve been to two in my life, and that’s enough for me.

5. Don’t let fear stop you – I know someone who’s been isolated since before Christmas, because she’s too scared to go out. For her, embracing normal is likely to be delayed and very difficult. Do things, and do them sooner rather than later. If you’re scared to go to a shop, go to a shop. You’ve survived a pandemic, you know what to do. Likewise, if you want to go to the gym, or swimming, do them. They’re safe and controlled at the moment, and as long as you do your part, you’ll be perfectly fine.

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Over-rule Overthinking – How I Learned to Manage my anxiety

maymargaret

Anxiety is one of those things that all of us have experienced, and, when it conflicts with our everyday life, we might get a diagnosis. Social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, panic attacks, agoraphobia…. as time goes on, anxiety is becoming more and more commonplace, made aware of, and diagnosed. I’ve suffered with anxiety for most, if not all, of my teenage and adult years, and while I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, I don’t need a weatherman to tell me it’s raining, and I let it stop me doing what I wanted for a large portion of my life.

One particular incident that sticks in my mind is being scared to go to school. I had no reason to be, but I was at home in my living room staring at the front door, in tears. It was completely random, and probably happened three times during my whole time at secondary school. Another time was when I had a panic attack at the front of class during a presentation. But I’ve discussed my fear of public speaking before.

So how do you get out of letting anxiety rule you to the point of not going out, simply because your heart races at the very idea? Anxiety and panic manifests in so many different scenarios for people; going to class, going to work, before a big life event like a wedding, or when confronted by the very thing we are most afraid of without really knowing why. The key is to confront your fear, but in a measured, structured way. Of course, this process is different for everyone. It might be a case of defining a list of what we’d like to achieve and working through each item, step by step.

First and foremost, anxiety is defined by worry, panic and negative thoughts. The typical cycle begins with a event, that typically triggers a negative thought and that leads to a feeling. Often this will lead to us fearing similar events. One example might be to be among work colleagues, and you say something; maybe it was a joke that no one laughed at, or you stated a fact and were told you were wrong. I use this example because I used to be terrified of saying something wrong incase I was seen as stupid, and would get flustered any time I was ever even responded to. In this case, you might get embarrassed, you heart might beat hard and your palms become sweaty. Later that night it is likely to run around in circles in your head like an old film on a loop.

So How Might You Break Out of this Behaviour?

1. Narrow down your fears – it can be easy to let your anxiety bleed into everything you do. Fear of social situations can cause one to become scared of going out in general, even to the local shop. Anxiety in the form of phobias can have a huge impact on whether we go out to certain places. If someone is scared of heights, this may greatly diminish the likelihood of boarding an aeroplane. But where does the fear stem from? It might be such a long standing fear that it might be impossible to tell, but consider instead what makes you anxious about these situations. Do phone calls make you nervous? Why is that? Is it because you’re not able to see the facial expressions of the other person? If you scared of dogs, can that be rooted to an experience?

2. Separate rational from the irrational – the most known definition of a phobia is an “irrational fear” of a situation or object we might come across in our every day life. Now, there are so many different phobias around now that it’s impossible to know what all of them are. Some, I believe, are fully rational. Fear of heights, blood and confined spaces are all rational in my opinion, because they all present a real danger. Not all fears are to be overcome; anxiety is an evolutionary technique of self preservation to keep ourselves safe, and if we perceive something as being dangerous, such as a large spider, while it might pose a real threat to ourselves if we don’t live in countries like Austrailia, it is there for a reason.

3. Set your boundaries, and respect them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but if you have to, work up to it. This might be meeting with a large group of friends as an end goal for someone with social phobia. Start with a phone call with a friend, or perhaps a video chat. You’re in your own comfortable space, in your own comfort zone, and you can leave whenever you like. If you need to, have a reason to leave prepared. Maybe the doorbell went, or you have something cooking.

4. Talk, and listen – anxiety is far more common than anyone might think. The cruelty (and the saving grace) is that everyone has experienced anxiety, and its highly isolating effects. It’s so easy to feel alone during a panic attack, and we might avoid potentially helpful experiences in case they trigger one. But talking can help, if you’re talking to someone who’s willing to be open about it. Thankfully all of my friends, close family and fiance have all had experiences with anxiety that have made them open about it, because they know. They know the value of talking about it, of describing each feeling and why they felt it.

5. Challenge yourself – once in a while, you’ve just got to think, well, fuck it. My big step was going somewhere alone. I really tried with the cinema, but try as my logical mind did, I still pictured being the only tragic person alone watching The Phantom Thread at Cineworld in an empty auditorium, a single shadow. So on that day, I figured I’d do something else equally daunting, and potentially more empowering; going for lunch in a restaurant by myself. I had my book, it was wonderful. The weather was lovely, I had no rush in me because I had a half day at work. Bliss. I couldn’t be stopped after that until…well, you know. And by the way, if anyone if unentertained enough by their eating companion to notice and judge you for being alone, don’t worry. They’re most likely envious that they haven’t got the confidence to do it.

6. Recognise the benefits – there are far more benefits to breaking free of the restricting habits. But, of course, the safety of the cocoon anxiety nets around us leaves us at little risk of danger. In this cocoon, we cannot make a fool of ourselves, cannot say the wrong thing, and probably wont have a panic attack unless we think really hard about the toll anxiety is having on our lives and our mental wellbeing. But to break out of that let’s you become more aware of your strengths and that, despite your worries, you were still able to make the push outwards.

Ways I Conquered the Rule Anxiety Had

1. Going for lunch alone

2. Going to lectures and library talks alone

3. Going on holiday without my parents (I have an absolute conviction every time I line up for check in that I’ve arrived on the wrong day).

4. Taking charge of meals with friends and family by booking myself.

5. Making phonecalls

6. Going to London alone

7. Presenting an idea to my workmates before I had time to get nervous and didn’t say a thing

lists, Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Back to Life, Back to Reality – Learning to Appreciate

maymargaret

How many generations can say they have had their lives put on pause, just to be started up again more than a year later? Not in our life time has something happened on this scale, and it will feel strange as restrictions ease, and we can think about getting back to normal life. But what is normal life? For me, its going to an office to work, to a library or a cafe to study and watch the world pass by, to go on a holiday at least once a year. Simple pleasures, but as we inch closer to those things becoming more than a distant dream, we might find how much we appreciate them. Even if we appreciate them for only a moment, a fraction of a minute, it’s enough to feel it. It’s enough to make me see, anyway, that average life is something to yearn towards, with all its nooks and crannies, and that those little things really do matter.

So what have you missed?

Here’s my list, just because I’ve missed it all so much that I want to talk about it.

1. Eating at a restaurant – the first time I went to a restaurant after the last lockdown lifted, it was a new place in my local town centre called the Flying Elephant, and really, they could have served slop and I would have been thrilled to just be out seeing people. Alas, it was gorgeous and tasted all that much better because it was, at that moment, an out of the ordinary experience.

2. Travelling without feeling guilty – as I don’t drive, I rely on the public transport available such as trains. To keep myself mentally healthy, I based my office at my parent’s place, and my efforts paid off. I kept myself isolated, did my testing. But each time I travelled I still felt like a criminal.

3. Gyms – I love the gym, and yes, I know you can work out at home and go for a run anywhere, but there’s the atmosphere, the camaraderie, at a gym. Everyone there for the same goal, and I think that if you see other people working out, it encourages you to work harder. Plus hygiene is finally being kept up by everyone wiping down equipment, which is what they should be doing anyway.

4. Saunas – Ah, the reason for this post. I love saunas, steamrooms and hot tubs, and for the first time in over a year I used one, and it was wonderful, and I slept like a baby.

5. Travelling within the UK – once a month my fiance and I will typically do a weekend stay in the country. These places have included Stratford Upon Avon, Cambridge, Lincoln and Chester, but this has been on hold (obviously). But we’re planning a trip to Bath in a couple of weeks. It’s something to look forward to, to plan, as a little break from the norm.

The ordinary stuff, up until recently, went relatively unnoticed and unappreciated. I took for granted the liberty of going to a gym, out for a meal, hugs… with certain people, anyway. I know it won’t stick; not for me, not for everyone. But to understand how wonderful our normal routine truly is, even for a moment, is enough.

Opinion and Advice

The Double Standards of The Snow White Kiss Controversy

maymargaret

I love these pointless little controversies. They always seem to gain momentum during these times of distress, and maybe its because this is a rare time in the present generation’s history when we all have had nowhere to go unless we break a law.

So while this controversy of the non-consented kiss in Snow White and the Severn Dwarves isn’t exactly a new one, the wokeists (I have learned that there is a difference between the ‘left’ and wokeists, like there’s a difference between the ‘right’ and discrimination) have now got the platform with which to insult genuine arguments surrounding feminism and the question of consent. The key insult? That these issues have been whittled down to an charming and essentially innocuous Disney movie that has been around since 1937.

And I know, yes, Prince Charming does essentially kiss a corpse. But wasn’t the antidote to the poison true love’s kiss? Yes, it may have been a touch presumptuous on the part of the Prince, but it worked, didn’t it? Unless you believe the theory that it didn’t, of course, and the Prince collected Snow White to take her to heaven.

The thing is, if you look at this movie from such a standpoint, not only are you ruining the experience for yourself, but you’re also inviting others to do the same. And I’m doing the same right now on this wonderful Sunday afternoon, because frankly it’s a bit grim outside and I like this kind of thing. In my quest, I have found the following issues that have faded into the background.

1. Toxic femininity – toxic femininity is a very real thing, and can be just as damaging as toxic masculinity. Here, we have a tale about a queen who orders the murder of Snow White because she is more beautiful than her. She is the epitome of feminine beauty and grace, and the Queen hates it, because she thought it was her. Therefore, offing the princess would allow her to become the fairest of the land.

2. Abuse of power – the poor huntsman seemed like a nice fellow, and yet he is placed between a rock and a hard place by his queen to kill Snow White, the Queen’s step daughter, a delicate petal who’s done nothing wrong, all because of her own envy.

3. Breaking and entering – there’s no one home, so I guess it’s okay to enter a home with your new animal friends if you ask the air whether you can come in and sleep on multiple beds.

4. Sexism – the world we live in today is all very fond of highlighting past cultural norms and branding them unacceptable and not up to today’s standards, which is entirely impossible to rectify. So when Snow White questions the untidiness of the place, she presumes its because they have no mother, and so takes on the role as mother because, well, apparently this is a woman’s work. And it was, at the time. Likewise, she presumes that the dwarves can’t look after themselves, including general hygiene.

5. Why does nobody care for the poor fellow reduced to a skeleton in the Queen’s dungeon, who is openly mocked as having died reaching for water?

The thing is, if you’re going to open a can of worms, be ready for the rest of the questions. We could look further and question Cinderella’s catfishing her Prince Charming, Ariel willing to trade her voice and her life with her family all for a man who didn’t ask her to, and, a more recent one I had thoughts about, open mockery in Ralph Breaks the Internet concerning Merida’s Scottish accent (I thought mocking accents was taboo, or is it just certain ones?)

If we look at every kid’s film, and indeed every film, through these insidious lenses purposed to see bad in everything, what is that really achieving? I loved Disney films growing up. Had the outfits, loved the stories. My favourite was The Little Mermaid, but did I grow up thinking that I would have to give up my voice to win a man’s heart? No, I was too concerned with getting my parents to let me go for a family meal in my Anastatia dress and plastic Spice Girls sandals. Likewise, I understood that just as mermaids didn’t exist and kisses didn’t really bring the dead back to life, I knew that these films weren’t perpetuating rape culture. If you’re convinced that a child’s moral compass and understanding of right vs wrong is determined by a kid’s film rated U that’s been around for several decades, maybe reevaluate what a parent’s role really is in a child’s life.

As a side note, I knew someone who’s mum didn’t let him or his sister watch The Lion King after hearing a kid committed suicide after watching it, and so his principle entertainment growing up was anime such as Bleach. Didn’t result in him thinking he was a Soul Reaper though did it?

Opinion and Advice

Why Couples Should Probably Rent First – Testing the Waters.

maymargaret

Before I decided to move out (during the pandemic rather than after it had settled down) the idea of renting was somewhat drilled into me as an undesirable waste of money. Renting meant giving money on a monthly basis to help someone else get wealthier, while my living space would never be mine in the way that I would want it. It would always be someone else’s to call the shots with. Instead, mortgages and actually buying straight of the bat was the way to go. My own space to do what I wanted with. That was the way to go, the right way.

But is it? Or is it perhaps that renting is a wise way of testing the waters?

During the pandemic, there’s probably been a big shift in living arrangements for many of us. Those of us in relationships who still live at home might have moved in with their significant other’s family, or they might have come to you. This might have been the situation already while, as a couple, you’ve been saving to buy your first home. I know a couple in this situation, who are buying with a help to buy mainly because they can’t stand living with the others’ family. During lock down, relationships have come under strain, and arguments start over the most pathetic things. Who broke what and who used someone else’s something or other. The people in our household are literally the only people we can be in close quarters with, and that might be seen as a great opportunity for relationship building. For the short term, at least. For a year? Maybe any way of escape might do.

But then I know other couples. One couple who brought a house together fresh from years living in one of their family homes. A family home that just happens to be streaming with young kids. Getting their own space was the only solution, and, again, buying was the only acceptable option. A couple of years later (one pandemic later) and something unexpected happens.

They realise they don’t like each other.

Why did it take a pandemic to realise this? Well, this couple just happens to be a very sociable couple, who spend Friday and Saturday nights out with friends and the rest of the week at work, thinking about the future nights out with friends. In comes Corona virus, and suddenly this couple have been forced to spend time together, with no one else. Horror of horrors, it has resulted in rows, one vandalised car and one of which begging to move back in to his busy childhood home.

Now, maybe this is an extreme case; we all get sick of each other and everyone from time to time, but the issue here is that it began before the pandemic. Only,  distractions were available. We could meet a friend, go for a drink, go on holiday. Have a holiday or a night out to look forward to. Now, they’re stuck together in a house they have brought, asking for more than people can afford because now, they want separate living arrangements, and they want to make a profit. Not the easiest of situations to get out of in the best of times.

On the flip side, my fiance and I knew that we didn’t have much experience living with each other, so I suggested renting a place for a year, maybe two. My family didn’t like the idea, but I’m proud to say that, according to them, I changed their minds. Of course, having this comparison couple might have helped me look like the less naive one, but I think it’s a valuable piece of advice for other couples. Living with family may have its perks, but it also has its downsides for couples. Nonetheless, this doesn’t give you the knowledge you need to know whether you’re compatible cohabitation wise. As a couple, it may be you against the in laws. A couple against the rest of the house. Dreaming of having your own space might give you rose tinted specs when looking at the other person. Buying your first home is encouraged as a right of passage, while renting is discouraged as a quick fix. Maybe it is, but it’s also valuable in learning about each other.

When we moved in together, I honestly didn’t know how it would go down. I knew he was messy while I was a neat freak, and that he had a proclivity to get bored on his own. Now, I’m glad to say that now I know that he has moments of tidiness while a sock on the floor doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Plus, as only children, we both like our own space, and knowing that the other person is just in the next room is comfort enough. Renting has been the best choice we could make for ourselves, but it could have gone the other way.