Tag: meditation

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Being Dumped Through Text – Why It Should Empower You

maymargaret

I feel like I’ve had a well rounded experience of relationships. I’ve had a long distance relationship, I’ve had one where the guy lived yards away. I had a relationship with a guy my parents couldn’t stand, and I’ve had a relationship where my parents loved him, but I was the only one who saw his faults. The same goes for break ups. I’ve ended, I’ve mutually agreed to end it, and I’ve been ended with. Each one has its aches. To end a relationship takes responsibility, initiative, and the chance of regret. On the other end, being dumped is essentially a rejection. It’s someone telling you they don’t want to with you any longer, and, in the end, who wants to know someone dumped you? Sadly, despite it having happened to most who have been in a relationship, being on the receiving end is seen as the worst off. A place to feel pitied from, a spot where someone asks what happens and scrunches their nose in consolation.

But it needn’t be that way, particularly when the breaker upper shows absolutely no back bone in doing the breaking up.

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy in college, who moved on to university. The relationship lasted five years, 3 of which were long distance. In the end, we decided to meet up and do it face to face. The day before he was due back, no changes to his plan, he text me to say it was over. No meet up, nothing. What was I to do with that?

Receiving this kind of text can trigger a range of complex emotions. Predictably, the emotions attached to being broken up with may be suspended due to the lack of event, lack of finality, the pathetic end to a relationship that took years to come to a head.

And yet, oddly enough, this was the best break up I had ever had.

Of course, the following day was a bit icky. The day we were meant to actually meet, the day that had been set aside, was spent with no plans and therefore floating around a little. The next, I went for a long walk in a reserve a few miles away, and had a long think. I realised here that man, this guy had disappointed me.

What I realised during this walk is that this guy had broken up with me, through text. Does anyone do this, with means of avoiding such a cowardly way out, and still maintain their sense of dignity? He was in his twenties and, while I don’t necessarily attach maturity to numerical age, there is a limit. What I realised is that I deserved better. I deserved an explanation, but didn’t get one. I deserved to remind him that I’d tried to break up with him just months previous, but he told me he had enough to deal with with exam pressures and he needed the support. I deserved more.

It was an empowering epiphany, to say the least. The thing is, no matter the circumstance, if it can be avoided, no one should end a relationship through text message. But, if you’re unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end, know it is literally their loss. Not just of you, but I’m sure a little of their self respect falls away with it. But don’t make the mistake of regretting the entire relationship. People come and people leave, but they always serve a purpose. Treat them as teachable moments. This teachable moment served for me to realise that my self worth was not only more important, but also that I didn’t owe any moping to a guy who couldn’t sacrifice thirty minutes of his time to end a relationship in a mature manner.

Also, just a heads up, if a someone bitches about their ex and then laughs because they put on weight, think to yourself; will they treat memories of your relationship with such respect when the next one comes along?

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100 Days of Nature – Day 48 – Calm

maymargaret

Nothing starts a good day like a calming walk early in the morning. And the brighter mornings mean images such as these to look up to on the way.

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Are To Do Lists the Death of Productivity?

maymargaret

If you have read any of my earlier blogs, you would know that I love a good list. Or, at least, loved. They’re organised, neat, and just creating one can give you a sense of productivity and control. A list represents order, allotted time for certain tasks.

But there’s another side to them, too. Lists can show you how much you have to get done, how much you think you have to do, just to complete the list. If you’re the way I was, an incomplete list is like having an altogether unproductive day. For me, having just one item left, forgotten about or pushed back until the end of the day, was both frustrating and daunting. If i’m honest, it was usually my 10 minute session on Duolingo, learning some French I probably wouldn’t remember afterwards. If I did it, it was the bare minimum, but it counted, didn’t it?

Not necessarily.

I can’t remember the last list I made. I haven’t abandoned them altogether mind, and that’s not what I’m suggesting. But really, what does a to do list contribute towards getting all that necessary, and unnecessary, stuff done? Because I’ve found that not tying myself to a task not only makes me more productive, but it also leaves me much more free time.

So this year I made a dreaded, apparently doomed to fail new years resolution. Doomed to fail because, beyond the first couple of weeks of January, aren’t resolutions doomed to fail by simple self fulfilling prophesy? I think people make them sometimes just to fail them, and then they can laugh about it later about how naive they were, how hopeful they began the shit storm of a year behind them (for some people, no matter what happened in that year, it’s inevitably going to be branded a shit storm.). There’s almost a culture being created around choosing drinking wine in place of a workout and moaning about the shape of the globe on Facebook. But anyway, I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah, lists.

So I made a resolution to start learning guitar. Properly, this time. A few of my friends have done it, I started back when I was 14. Despite owning three guitars, one of which I made myself, I never could remember a single chord. I tried to stick to this resolution last year, too, but alas, apparently a pandemic gives you copious amounts of time, but its not always paired with motivation. Usually, I would look at the item on my list marked ‘guitar practice’ and pass it off as unimportant. I’ll do more tomorrow.

Now that I don’t make lists, I not only get to practising every day, but I remember more too. And this hasn’t just been the case for guitar. I decided to start learning Spanish on Duo, and I’m on my 31 day streak. I draw more, I read more, I’m more organised in my yoga and running (every Monday, Wednesday and Friday) and still manage to keep the apartment tidy, my bearded dragon alive and set aside more hours than I’m happy to admit on the internet to binge watching Supernatural. I’m not humble bragging (okay maybe just a bit, but now that I meditate I think the smug bug has got me just a tinsy bit) but I think this just shows how unessential lists are. A list can organise your time, but they can also create chores out of things you ought to enjoy. Hobbies are there for exactly that. Enjoyment. And as for cleaning, am I wrong for enjoying this too? It’s a part of life, we might as well make the best of it.

My point is, there comes a point where you’re doing things not because you want to, but because you feel like to have to. It’s exhausting, and its not as productive as you think. If you want to do it, do it. But you don’t have to. And don’t be scared to have a nothing day. Brains get tired, you know.

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100 Days of Nature – Day 16 – Appreciating Constants

maymargaret

I’ve been doing a bit of meditation lately. There’s a very good series on Netflix I recommend if you haven’t heard of it, Headspace Guide to Meditation. Today’s episode was about falling in love with life, particularly thinking about what you appreciate in your life right now.

There’s a tremendous amount i appreciate right now, people and things. But one thing came to mind. A bit odd, and a bit abstract, maybe. But it stood out. The sky? Yes, the sky. Particularly around 8am, to be exact.

I got to thinking about it during the practice. In these times of uncertainty and same old same old; the same routine, same people, same clothes because what’s the point of wearing anything different? Not going out as we used to, yada yada.

But the sky is different. It’s always there, and it’s never the same. The clouds aren’t blemishes at this time, they’re details. I’m not talking about the sunset or sunrise being the markers for new days and days over, I’m just talking about it being there.

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My Pandemic Resolutions

maymargaret

I started last year with so many plans. I guess different goals to what I actually ended up doing, but still, last year could have gone a very different way. Concerts, festivals, travelling… basically everything I resolved to do, or usually do anyway, was cancelled. As a frequenter of Download Festival and person who loves to travel, last year sucked a bit on that part. My second missed opportunity to see Iron Maiden, and now I wonder whether its meant to be.

And while so many expect (an expectation fueled by wishful thinking, perhaps) to be in the midst of a moshpit during the summer months of 2021, I kind of trust that they’ll be disappointed. While so many concerts are covid safe, a festival in which communal toilets and general suspension of usual hygiene standards are perhaps a staple of the weekend experience, the pressure to lock onto the virus will inevitably lead to further cancellations. So, what to do?

I dont want to end this year disappointed, as so many have. And, usually, I dont make what might be traditionally termed as resolutions. But I do like goals. I see both sides of the coin. I like doing things there and then, but I also like putting a time stamp on achievements. I like to look back on the year and think of what I did with my 365 days, and last year was no different. There was a tremendous amount I couldn’t do, but in a way, maybe thats why I did the stuff I actually did. So this year, I want to make a point of setting goals I know will be achievable, even during these enduringly uncertain times.

1. Read more – I read a ton, but it could always be a bit more varied. I’ve recently gotten into dystopia fiction, so maybe a wider scope is on the horizon yet.

2. Learn to play guitar – this has been a goal of mine since 14, but there’s always something else to do. But I want to get out of this year with at least one song learned that isn’t Metallica related.

3. Watch more films – I love my movies. Often movie lovers (from my personal experience) have been judged as couch potatoes. But I’m the best at movie quizzes, if I do say so myself.

4. Run 15km – last year I reached 10, and kind of just stuck to 5 after that.

5. Finally achieve side splits – yoga has been a bit intermittent this year. But now I have the space to do it, so no excuses

6. The three peaks challenge – this was last year’s goal, and the one that didn’t come to fruition. Scafell, Snowdon and Ben Nevis. I’ve done the later two at very different times, so I’d like to make all three.

7. Try self publishing – gotta start somewhere right?

8. Paint more for pleasure – last year I took on a lot of commissions. So many that, while I enjoyed painting members of peoples family, it took the creativity out of me a bit.

9. More photography – I got into taking photos last year, specifically of simple pleasures. Flowers, the sky, the butterfly heading this post. I’d love to have canvases of them.

Were going into this year with a bit of an advantage, if that’s the right word. We know to treat it with caution. We know not to make plans, or at least, we know what plans not to make. This year could still pan out in so many ways, good or bad, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t count, right?

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2020 in Review

maymargaret

If there’s one phrase I keep hearing, its “I can’t wait for 2020 to be over” and the like. And yes, I get that. Its been a turbulent year. But the reality is that the pandemic will not be limited to 2020. In fact, the pandemic for many parts of the world began before 2020. Today, I wondered whether I’d still be judging people for not wearing a mask or standing 2 meters apart in a year’s time. It feels like second nature now, to distance and mask up each time I’m in a shop, and sneer at those for not doing so. Its been a unique year, to say the least.

But does that mean its write off? For many who have lost loved ones, who have been isolated, or who have faced this pandemic from the front line, perhaps that is the case. 2020 for many has, in short, been an absolute shit storm. Redundancies, job losses, cut backs, companies closing because they cannot fund running in the midst of a virus that results in reduced custom. But for the rest of us, 2020 has meant more time with family, working in the comfort of our jammies, and having just that little bit more time to take stock of our mental and physical health. Rather than declare 2020 as just a year that shouldn’t count, I’m taking it from my privileged position as a period in history in which I was there. Taking the good with the bad.

So what has 2020 been to me? And yes, I’m focusing on the positives. There’s too much negativity in the world to begin with.

2020 has meant branching out. More and different books, trying a few different crafts, watching a few different films. TV shows I’ve never thought about watching before. Having that time has meant not being too tired after a day’s work to do anything more than flopping on the sofa to watch the same old same old.

2020 has meant more time for education. I started and finished (and passed) my first module for my masters degree. Due to working from home, my lunch breaks and down time were filled with essays and reading as opposed to mindless scrolling through my phone.

2020 has meant fitness goals. Back in March I ran my first 10km, as I was meant to be doing a charity 10k elsewhere. Instead, I did it on my own, on a treadmill, in my living room, with a virtual tour of Vienna on the go on my TV. I’ve also been working more on my yoga, and I’m sure I’ve progressed (somehow).

2020 has meant more painting. Art has been in my life since my first bronchiosaurus drawing at the age of 5. But this year I’ve done many more commisions than usual, and its given me the chance to develop. I’ve painted birds and babies for the first time. Turns out I’m not too shabby if I do say so myself.

2020 has meant new experiences. I’ve never worked from home before, and I do quite like it. I passed my 1 year anniversary at my job on the 18th. Its also given me the drive to take my first long weekend trip on my own, which was not only greatly needed, but a big kick in my confidence of my own independence too.

2020 has meant moving out – last week, I moved in to an apartment with my fiance. A couple of arguments with the company selling us our table later (a further couple about the broadband) and I think we’re actually formulating a home.

2020 has, in short, meant progress. I’m a true believer in baby steps, that progress counts everywhere, and can happen anywhere. If you’re reading this, you have survived this pandemic so far. Maybe you’ve partaken in the plays streamed on YouTube, taken up a long distance course to pass the time. Maybe you’ve used your time to learn a few guitar chords. Whatever this year has been, its been an experience. Whether good or bad, we’re still here.

Merry Chrimbo and a Happy New Year

Xx

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Simple Underrated Pleasures

maymargaret

1. Going for a walk or a run when the sky is beautiful.

2. Clean sheets and lavender after a long day.

3. Watching a good old movie.

4. Eating something just that little bit indulgent with some mindful music playing.

5. Breaking the monotony at your desk by playing a cheesy classic; my present choice is Celine Dion’s version of I Drove All Night.

6. Eating alone in a cafe or restaurant, not a rush or care in the world.

7. Appreciating the colours of the clouds just as evening is settling in during winter.

8. Going to bed knowing that you did your best, were your healthiest, and now this is your time.

9. Realising you don’t have to be productive all the time to improve yourself and your mood

10. Doing something that typically causes you anxiety, because, at the end of the day, what the hell.

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‘Today I Did’ Lists – Like To Do Lists, But With More Possibilities

maymargaret

I love to do lists, and I loathe to do lists. Making a to do list can make one feel so productive, so important. You can look upon it and think, there. Now all I have to do today is to achieve all these things, and I’m productive. I’ll be achieving something. I will go to bed tonight, and I’ll sleep soundly.

More often than not, however, my lists go incomplete. I’ve not done my 15 minutes of Duolingo French, or put my washing away, or any other apparently essential task that will take me one step forward to being a fully functioning adult who feels smug with all the things they’ve managed to achieve before tea time. Not achieving these things make me stressed, no matter how little or unimportant they are. It means going to bed with no sense of achievement at all, and that is toxic productivity for you.

So I’ve had a brain child today. This evening, actually. I’ve realised I’m much more productive without a list, and so the ‘what I did today’ list is born. Its basically making a list of, well, what you did that day. It’s probably already a thing, and nonetheless my present brain child probably needs a snappier name. But even if it is already a thing, this is why you should be doing it.

1. No set up for fail – it’s tempting to put too much on a to do list. Five items doesn’t seem enough, but 10 does. 15 – even better. But sometimes, a small task (such as my 15 minute Duolingo sessions) can seem daunting when written down. Only doing 10 minutes might mean not being able to tick it off. But, instead of focusing on what you didn’t do, at the end of the day, making a list of all the things you managed to achieve in the last few hours could make a huge difference. A 10 minute Duolingo session can finally make the cut.

2. Better quality – if I put myself down to do something, I’ll probably feel like doing the bare minimum, just so I can tick it off. It counts, right? But it doesn’t always feel good doing things that way, and can take the fun out of it. In contrast, doing something spontaneously, like a run or a big cleaning session, can probably turn out better than if planned. We’re doing it because we want to.

3. More productive – for me, this has made me more productive, and I see things as less of a chore. This evening, I cleaned the kitchen, recorded a video for my YouTube channel, designed some Christmas cards for my mum’s care home, and cleaned my office before bed. I felt like I was doing something, and it felt a damn sight better than squeezing everything in before six just to be able to relax.

There’s probably a ton more reasons I could come up up with, but at the end of it, everyone’s different. To do lists do have their plus points, but in the age of toxic productivity, we tend to place more focus on what we fail to get done. And in the age of toxic productivity and the mental strain of a pandemic, surely we should be cutting ourselves some slack, and drawing on the positives?

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How to Not Lose it While Remote Working

maymargaret

I’ve been working from home now since the first lockdown began, and, i’ll be honest, at first the idea was exciting. I’d never worked from home before, and my head was filled with plans of all the stuff I was going to get done with my time. I’d finally be able to have a proper healthy breakfast, instead of a packet of breakfast biscuits on the train. I’d be able to swap sitting at my desk staring at my phone during lunch for a jog, or yoga, or taking the dog a walk. Anything active. But, as time has gone on and the company I work for has evolved in its strategies to keep us all connected, we’ve all expressed feelings of isolation, and actually missing the social aspects of office working.

But, for me anyway, and as for many, remote working might be here to stay, at least in some context. It’s been a mixed bag, but there are some ways you can not only cope with remote working, but make the best of it, too.

1. Take control of your work environment – an office is a public space. While that’s pointing out the obvious, while we’re feeling lonely and cut off, it might be an idea to remind yourself of the more negative points of sharing a work space. If you want a window open, open a window. If you want music, play it. If you want all the lights on, power to you. In an office, the control of the environment either comes down to the management, majority, or that one person who throws awareness for others to the wind and opens a window when everyone else is shivering in their coats.

2. Wake up early…but not too early – take advantage of the fact that your desk is only a few steps away. That might mean staying in bed for a few minutes more, doing the housework, or a getting a workout in.

3. Get dressed – I’ve made the mistake of slipping into the habit of staying in my jams a few times, and those are the days I feel a bit rubbish about things. I love getting ready, and putting the time into one’s appearance can make a world of difference. It doesn’t matter whether you’re going to be on camera; jams are for sleeping in and lazing around when you feel like it. But a productive mindset might just start with a shower and fresh clothes.

4. Split the day with something active – whether you get an hour or half an hour for lunch, that time can have many possibilities in how it can be used, that just might not be accessible in normal office circumstances. Go for a run, or find a workout on YouTube. My office has become my gym, too, with a desk treadmill at the side. This has also taught me that I dont need a gym membership, so in the long run (huhuh) I’m saving money, too.

5. Screen breaks – Take them! – I never know what to do during a screen break at work, and end up either working through it because I don’t want to look like skiving, or dashing to the toilet. Because making a cuppa doesn’t take 5 minutes. But now, I do a bit of reading, knitting, or just something else that tickles my fancy.

6. Meetings – particularly during company wide meetings, with one person talking while everyone else is muted and no ones camera is switched on, I’ve done something else. Commissions, finished books, made paper flowers, made apple pie… I’ve had naps, too. Under a blanket, earphones in, lovely.

7. Mindfulness/ meditation – while I’ve been remote working I’ve been listening to a lovely classical radio station called Scala radio, and every day at 2pm they have a mindfulness session. Whenever I put this station on, I get myself comfy, maybe grab some cake or pie that I’ve made, and just listen, all in the moment. Its only about 10 minutes long, but its worth it.

8. Meditation in the morning – branching off of the last suggestion, a bit of meditation first thing does help. Particularly during these anxious times, its nice to just create a moment and breathe. Meditation used to stress me out, because I thought your mind has to be absolutely clear of thoughts to work. Like, you couldn’t think of anything. That’s what alot of guided sessions said, anyway. So I gave up. But thinking you can’t think of anything makes it worse, and you end up thinking because you’ve been told not to. This is the White Bear effect; don’t think of a white bear! Did you? Now, more practices encourage you to acknowledge the thoughts that occur to you, and then recentre. I’ve found that my days are much more relaxed after doing this for around 10 minutes, even if I’m not great at it yet.

9. Make taking care of yourself a priority – it’s easy to get frustrated with the situation. Its easy to allow one run in to effect your day; I know I have. And I know how easy it is to let yourself get worked up over one minute mistake, and maybe you’re worked up because someone has placed disproportionate importance on that mistake. I’ve lost sleep over mine, and thats were vicious cycles begin. But don’t let them throw you off. Eat as healthy as you can, but allow yourself a lapse now and again. Take time out for your creative endeavours, and at the end of your day, relax and think of all the good things that happen. Treat where you went wrong as learning curves, teachable moments.

10. Have fun with it! – play your music loud (be considerate of the neighbors, mind) and just sing, or dance, at your desk. I do. No one can see or hear you (if you’re alone, anyway) and if they do, like the window cleaner did earlier today when I had no idea he was cleaning an open window, shrug it off. It probably gave him a laugh. People need a laugh right now, so good deed to me!