Tag: perspective

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Over-rule Overthinking – How I Learned to Manage my anxiety

maymargaret

Anxiety is one of those things that all of us have experienced, and, when it conflicts with our everyday life, we might get a diagnosis. Social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, panic attacks, agoraphobia…. as time goes on, anxiety is becoming more and more commonplace, made aware of, and diagnosed. I’ve suffered with anxiety for most, if not all, of my teenage and adult years, and while I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, I don’t need a weatherman to tell me it’s raining, and I let it stop me doing what I wanted for a large portion of my life.

One particular incident that sticks in my mind is being scared to go to school. I had no reason to be, but I was at home in my living room staring at the front door, in tears. It was completely random, and probably happened three times during my whole time at secondary school. Another time was when I had a panic attack at the front of class during a presentation. But I’ve discussed my fear of public speaking before.

So how do you get out of letting anxiety rule you to the point of not going out, simply because your heart races at the very idea? Anxiety and panic manifests in so many different scenarios for people; going to class, going to work, before a big life event like a wedding, or when confronted by the very thing we are most afraid of without really knowing why. The key is to confront your fear, but in a measured, structured way. Of course, this process is different for everyone. It might be a case of defining a list of what we’d like to achieve and working through each item, step by step.

First and foremost, anxiety is defined by worry, panic and negative thoughts. The typical cycle begins with a event, that typically triggers a negative thought and that leads to a feeling. Often this will lead to us fearing similar events. One example might be to be among work colleagues, and you say something; maybe it was a joke that no one laughed at, or you stated a fact and were told you were wrong. I use this example because I used to be terrified of saying something wrong incase I was seen as stupid, and would get flustered any time I was ever even responded to. In this case, you might get embarrassed, you heart might beat hard and your palms become sweaty. Later that night it is likely to run around in circles in your head like an old film on a loop.

So How Might You Break Out of this Behaviour?

1. Narrow down your fears – it can be easy to let your anxiety bleed into everything you do. Fear of social situations can cause one to become scared of going out in general, even to the local shop. Anxiety in the form of phobias can have a huge impact on whether we go out to certain places. If someone is scared of heights, this may greatly diminish the likelihood of boarding an aeroplane. But where does the fear stem from? It might be such a long standing fear that it might be impossible to tell, but consider instead what makes you anxious about these situations. Do phone calls make you nervous? Why is that? Is it because you’re not able to see the facial expressions of the other person? If you scared of dogs, can that be rooted to an experience?

2. Separate rational from the irrational – the most known definition of a phobia is an “irrational fear” of a situation or object we might come across in our every day life. Now, there are so many different phobias around now that it’s impossible to know what all of them are. Some, I believe, are fully rational. Fear of heights, blood and confined spaces are all rational in my opinion, because they all present a real danger. Not all fears are to be overcome; anxiety is an evolutionary technique of self preservation to keep ourselves safe, and if we perceive something as being dangerous, such as a large spider, while it might pose a real threat to ourselves if we don’t live in countries like Austrailia, it is there for a reason.

3. Set your boundaries, and respect them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but if you have to, work up to it. This might be meeting with a large group of friends as an end goal for someone with social phobia. Start with a phone call with a friend, or perhaps a video chat. You’re in your own comfortable space, in your own comfort zone, and you can leave whenever you like. If you need to, have a reason to leave prepared. Maybe the doorbell went, or you have something cooking.

4. Talk, and listen – anxiety is far more common than anyone might think. The cruelty (and the saving grace) is that everyone has experienced anxiety, and its highly isolating effects. It’s so easy to feel alone during a panic attack, and we might avoid potentially helpful experiences in case they trigger one. But talking can help, if you’re talking to someone who’s willing to be open about it. Thankfully all of my friends, close family and fiance have all had experiences with anxiety that have made them open about it, because they know. They know the value of talking about it, of describing each feeling and why they felt it.

5. Challenge yourself – once in a while, you’ve just got to think, well, fuck it. My big step was going somewhere alone. I really tried with the cinema, but try as my logical mind did, I still pictured being the only tragic person alone watching The Phantom Thread at Cineworld in an empty auditorium, a single shadow. So on that day, I figured I’d do something else equally daunting, and potentially more empowering; going for lunch in a restaurant by myself. I had my book, it was wonderful. The weather was lovely, I had no rush in me because I had a half day at work. Bliss. I couldn’t be stopped after that until…well, you know. And by the way, if anyone if unentertained enough by their eating companion to notice and judge you for being alone, don’t worry. They’re most likely envious that they haven’t got the confidence to do it.

6. Recognise the benefits – there are far more benefits to breaking free of the restricting habits. But, of course, the safety of the cocoon anxiety nets around us leaves us at little risk of danger. In this cocoon, we cannot make a fool of ourselves, cannot say the wrong thing, and probably wont have a panic attack unless we think really hard about the toll anxiety is having on our lives and our mental wellbeing. But to break out of that let’s you become more aware of your strengths and that, despite your worries, you were still able to make the push outwards.

Ways I Conquered the Rule Anxiety Had

1. Going for lunch alone

2. Going to lectures and library talks alone

3. Going on holiday without my parents (I have an absolute conviction every time I line up for check in that I’ve arrived on the wrong day).

4. Taking charge of meals with friends and family by booking myself.

5. Making phonecalls

6. Going to London alone

7. Presenting an idea to my workmates before I had time to get nervous and didn’t say a thing

Opinion and Advice

Why Couples Should Probably Rent First – Testing the Waters.

maymargaret

Before I decided to move out (during the pandemic rather than after it had settled down) the idea of renting was somewhat drilled into me as an undesirable waste of money. Renting meant giving money on a monthly basis to help someone else get wealthier, while my living space would never be mine in the way that I would want it. It would always be someone else’s to call the shots with. Instead, mortgages and actually buying straight of the bat was the way to go. My own space to do what I wanted with. That was the way to go, the right way.

But is it? Or is it perhaps that renting is a wise way of testing the waters?

During the pandemic, there’s probably been a big shift in living arrangements for many of us. Those of us in relationships who still live at home might have moved in with their significant other’s family, or they might have come to you. This might have been the situation already while, as a couple, you’ve been saving to buy your first home. I know a couple in this situation, who are buying with a help to buy mainly because they can’t stand living with the others’ family. During lock down, relationships have come under strain, and arguments start over the most pathetic things. Who broke what and who used someone else’s something or other. The people in our household are literally the only people we can be in close quarters with, and that might be seen as a great opportunity for relationship building. For the short term, at least. For a year? Maybe any way of escape might do.

But then I know other couples. One couple who brought a house together fresh from years living in one of their family homes. A family home that just happens to be streaming with young kids. Getting their own space was the only solution, and, again, buying was the only acceptable option. A couple of years later (one pandemic later) and something unexpected happens.

They realise they don’t like each other.

Why did it take a pandemic to realise this? Well, this couple just happens to be a very sociable couple, who spend Friday and Saturday nights out with friends and the rest of the week at work, thinking about the future nights out with friends. In comes Corona virus, and suddenly this couple have been forced to spend time together, with no one else. Horror of horrors, it has resulted in rows, one vandalised car and one of which begging to move back in to his busy childhood home.

Now, maybe this is an extreme case; we all get sick of each other and everyone from time to time, but the issue here is that it began before the pandemic. Only,  distractions were available. We could meet a friend, go for a drink, go on holiday. Have a holiday or a night out to look forward to. Now, they’re stuck together in a house they have brought, asking for more than people can afford because now, they want separate living arrangements, and they want to make a profit. Not the easiest of situations to get out of in the best of times.

On the flip side, my fiance and I knew that we didn’t have much experience living with each other, so I suggested renting a place for a year, maybe two. My family didn’t like the idea, but I’m proud to say that, according to them, I changed their minds. Of course, having this comparison couple might have helped me look like the less naive one, but I think it’s a valuable piece of advice for other couples. Living with family may have its perks, but it also has its downsides for couples. Nonetheless, this doesn’t give you the knowledge you need to know whether you’re compatible cohabitation wise. As a couple, it may be you against the in laws. A couple against the rest of the house. Dreaming of having your own space might give you rose tinted specs when looking at the other person. Buying your first home is encouraged as a right of passage, while renting is discouraged as a quick fix. Maybe it is, but it’s also valuable in learning about each other.

When we moved in together, I honestly didn’t know how it would go down. I knew he was messy while I was a neat freak, and that he had a proclivity to get bored on his own. Now, I’m glad to say that now I know that he has moments of tidiness while a sock on the floor doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Plus, as only children, we both like our own space, and knowing that the other person is just in the next room is comfort enough. Renting has been the best choice we could make for ourselves, but it could have gone the other way.

Uncategorized

Being Dumped Through Text – Why It Should Empower You

maymargaret

I feel like I’ve had a well rounded experience of relationships. I’ve had a long distance relationship, I’ve had one where the guy lived yards away. I had a relationship with a guy my parents couldn’t stand, and I’ve had a relationship where my parents loved him, but I was the only one who saw his faults. The same goes for break ups. I’ve ended, I’ve mutually agreed to end it, and I’ve been ended with. Each one has its aches. To end a relationship takes responsibility, initiative, and the chance of regret. On the other end, being dumped is essentially a rejection. It’s someone telling you they don’t want to with you any longer, and, in the end, who wants to know someone dumped you? Sadly, despite it having happened to most who have been in a relationship, being on the receiving end is seen as the worst off. A place to feel pitied from, a spot where someone asks what happens and scrunches their nose in consolation.

But it needn’t be that way, particularly when the breaker upper shows absolutely no back bone in doing the breaking up.

A few years ago, I was in a relationship with a guy in college, who moved on to university. The relationship lasted five years, 3 of which were long distance. In the end, we decided to meet up and do it face to face. The day before he was due back, no changes to his plan, he text me to say it was over. No meet up, nothing. What was I to do with that?

Receiving this kind of text can trigger a range of complex emotions. Predictably, the emotions attached to being broken up with may be suspended due to the lack of event, lack of finality, the pathetic end to a relationship that took years to come to a head.

And yet, oddly enough, this was the best break up I had ever had.

Of course, the following day was a bit icky. The day we were meant to actually meet, the day that had been set aside, was spent with no plans and therefore floating around a little. The next, I went for a long walk in a reserve a few miles away, and had a long think. I realised here that man, this guy had disappointed me.

What I realised during this walk is that this guy had broken up with me, through text. Does anyone do this, with means of avoiding such a cowardly way out, and still maintain their sense of dignity? He was in his twenties and, while I don’t necessarily attach maturity to numerical age, there is a limit. What I realised is that I deserved better. I deserved an explanation, but didn’t get one. I deserved to remind him that I’d tried to break up with him just months previous, but he told me he had enough to deal with with exam pressures and he needed the support. I deserved more.

It was an empowering epiphany, to say the least. The thing is, no matter the circumstance, if it can be avoided, no one should end a relationship through text message. But, if you’re unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end, know it is literally their loss. Not just of you, but I’m sure a little of their self respect falls away with it. But don’t make the mistake of regretting the entire relationship. People come and people leave, but they always serve a purpose. Treat them as teachable moments. This teachable moment served for me to realise that my self worth was not only more important, but also that I didn’t owe any moping to a guy who couldn’t sacrifice thirty minutes of his time to end a relationship in a mature manner.

Also, just a heads up, if a someone bitches about their ex and then laughs because they put on weight, think to yourself; will they treat memories of your relationship with such respect when the next one comes along?

Uncategorized

Making the Decision to be Healthy – Not Just Fit

maymargaret

I love food. I’ve always counted myself lucky that I’ve never changed weight, regardless of how much I eat, or what I eat. It’s actually been a point of pride and, in some ways, bragging for me. I remember, for example, doing a food challenge at a local eatery called Beat the Meat, which entailed eating a 32 ounce steak, chips and salad. When the guys at work heard this, they were a mix of impressed that a small girl could eat so much and not just one of those girls who orders a salad when they go out, and giggling about the innuendo opportunities of Beat the Meat.

And then again, I also thought I didn’t really need to eat healthy. I am generally healthy, after all. The odd snack, the odd take away. It’s just treats. Besides, I regard myself as active. I take a walk every morning and walk everywhere just generally. I run every other day, do yoga, and now I have a spin bike. Many of my hobbies are swayed to the active side, so why should I try a bit harder, right?

The thing is, I might be fit, but that doesn’t mean I’m healthy. And recently, I’ve noticed.

As I’ve been moving out, waiting for certain furniture has turned into a bit of an excuse to eat easier meals to cook, or order take away straight off the bat. We don’t have much kitchen work top space and have in consequence ordered an island. While we’ve waited, we’ve lamented over the lack of work top space and just decided to have a take away. It’s nice at the time, but in post I always think how much money we’re spending on take away that’s not going to do us much good. Empty calories that cost far too much, and not just financially.

So where do you start from there? Often, its a moment of clarity. Lying in bed with an achey stomach hours after eating, and suddenly it’s not worth it anymore. Why do we crave this type of food so much? Is it because we see it as a treat, and have therefore associated it with reward? I think, too, it’s become almost excusable in many circumstances. Tired? Get take out. Had a bad day? Get take out. Had a good day? Get take out. Done a work out? You’ve burnt enough calories, get take out.

It’s like with so many other things that aren’t good for us. Wine, hours on our phones, lying on the sofa instead of doing that thing we want to do, and should do, that would make us feel better. Why do we gravitate towards the thing that’s easier and more numbing? Because it’s easier and numbing.

I think getting healthy is very much a personal choice. I know so many people feel that they need support from others, joining a group or going into the same diet with a couple of friends. But what happens when one of them caves, and begins rationalising their choices? Make the decision for yourself and yourself alone. We’re so easily influenced by those around us; we’re social creatures, afterall. And, for so long, unhealthy food, or too much food, has been a social thing for me, too. I always go out eating when it’s with friends, instead of walking or something else recreational. It’s not that they’re not interested, it’s just that eating is easy.

So on Saturday, instead of staying in bed and lamenting over my icky digestive system, I went out and brought actual healthy food. Every day this week, I’ve had a healthy breakfast with fruit, salad for lunch, and a light and healthy diner. I log it all on Noom, an app I’ve had an avoidant relationship since I build up the habit of logging everything, until I eat a biscuit. I’ve used my fitbit more, but I never really needed it to motivate myself to move. But its nice to feel involved, isn’t it?

It might feel like a sacrifice to begin with, but really think about the sacrifice you’re making. What is the sacrifice, really? Feeling better? Having a stomach that doesn’t gargle for hours after eating a kebab? Not pushing yourself for a guilt run in the morning to somehow salvage yourself? Starting the day feeling energized after a nutritious start?

Don’t let eating bad food become your identity because you think you can get away with it; you might look okay on the outside, but think about what its doing to your inside.

lists, Uncategorized

Are To Do Lists the Death of Productivity?

maymargaret

If you have read any of my earlier blogs, you would know that I love a good list. Or, at least, loved. They’re organised, neat, and just creating one can give you a sense of productivity and control. A list represents order, allotted time for certain tasks.

But there’s another side to them, too. Lists can show you how much you have to get done, how much you think you have to do, just to complete the list. If you’re the way I was, an incomplete list is like having an altogether unproductive day. For me, having just one item left, forgotten about or pushed back until the end of the day, was both frustrating and daunting. If i’m honest, it was usually my 10 minute session on Duolingo, learning some French I probably wouldn’t remember afterwards. If I did it, it was the bare minimum, but it counted, didn’t it?

Not necessarily.

I can’t remember the last list I made. I haven’t abandoned them altogether mind, and that’s not what I’m suggesting. But really, what does a to do list contribute towards getting all that necessary, and unnecessary, stuff done? Because I’ve found that not tying myself to a task not only makes me more productive, but it also leaves me much more free time.

So this year I made a dreaded, apparently doomed to fail new years resolution. Doomed to fail because, beyond the first couple of weeks of January, aren’t resolutions doomed to fail by simple self fulfilling prophesy? I think people make them sometimes just to fail them, and then they can laugh about it later about how naive they were, how hopeful they began the shit storm of a year behind them (for some people, no matter what happened in that year, it’s inevitably going to be branded a shit storm.). There’s almost a culture being created around choosing drinking wine in place of a workout and moaning about the shape of the globe on Facebook. But anyway, I digress. Where was I?

Oh yeah, lists.

So I made a resolution to start learning guitar. Properly, this time. A few of my friends have done it, I started back when I was 14. Despite owning three guitars, one of which I made myself, I never could remember a single chord. I tried to stick to this resolution last year, too, but alas, apparently a pandemic gives you copious amounts of time, but its not always paired with motivation. Usually, I would look at the item on my list marked ‘guitar practice’ and pass it off as unimportant. I’ll do more tomorrow.

Now that I don’t make lists, I not only get to practising every day, but I remember more too. And this hasn’t just been the case for guitar. I decided to start learning Spanish on Duo, and I’m on my 31 day streak. I draw more, I read more, I’m more organised in my yoga and running (every Monday, Wednesday and Friday) and still manage to keep the apartment tidy, my bearded dragon alive and set aside more hours than I’m happy to admit on the internet to binge watching Supernatural. I’m not humble bragging (okay maybe just a bit, but now that I meditate I think the smug bug has got me just a tinsy bit) but I think this just shows how unessential lists are. A list can organise your time, but they can also create chores out of things you ought to enjoy. Hobbies are there for exactly that. Enjoyment. And as for cleaning, am I wrong for enjoying this too? It’s a part of life, we might as well make the best of it.

My point is, there comes a point where you’re doing things not because you want to, but because you feel like to have to. It’s exhausting, and its not as productive as you think. If you want to do it, do it. But you don’t have to. And don’t be scared to have a nothing day. Brains get tired, you know.

Uncategorized

Should Celebrities Be Punished More for Breaking Covid Rules?

maymargaret

Is it just me, or do people get more idiotic as the pandemic goes on?

I get it. We’ve been in this situation for going on a year now, and in some ways it feels like we are further away from coming out of it. Even with vaccines, the fourth just being announced, we are still a very long way from normality. And the longer we go, I guess the more tempting it is to just break a rule. Travel a bit further, meet a friend, hug a relative. And yet, so many of us haven’t. So why do so many think themselves above the rules?

For a few months now, £10,000 fines have been handed out left right and centre. From house parties to outdoor raves in abandoned train station tunnels, private funerals to 400+ strong weddings behind blacked out windows. But for some reason, famous people breaking the same rules just feels that bit more infuriating.

My prime beef is with the situation of Rita Ora’s 30th birthday party. We all know the story; 30 guests to a pricey upmarket restaurant in London, which was at the time a Tier 3 zone, which prohibited such gatherings. This happened weeks ago, but over the last couple of days police have issued further information concerning the set up of this party. Apparently, Rita Ora’s ‘team’ offered the restaurant £5,000 to open the restaurant and hold this private gathering, during which CCTV cameras were switched off (I believe, I know they were done to not capture the festivities, I’m a lousy researcher, and who has the time anyway?) and curtains blacked out the windows. When the police alerted the guests inside, they all fell quiet. Clearly behaviour of those being caught out.

So why is this so much more infuriating to me? I don’t think I’m alone in this either. The fact of the matter is, Ora was able to spend £5,000 just to ask this restaurant owner, who’s business had no doubt taking a hit in earnings, as so many other business have, to open this venue. The fine, which she so graciously offered to pay, was £10,000. Is that fair? This kind of fine might financially cripple so many, but I have an incling that £10,000 is not such a big deal to her. With numerous promotional deals for business ongoing, a new brand of tequila out, and a role in a frankly god awful looking film (yes, I love Oliver! and just let me have my rant) is she really regretful of her choices from an earnings perspective?

So this raises the question; should celebrities be punished more for breaking the rules? In short, I say yay. The fact of the matter is, she is a public figure. So many politicians have lost their jobs over travelling a long distance or going to pubs, partly because of their public image. As for the general public, their mistakes cost them an eye watering fine, potential naming and shaming among relatives, and maybe even blurred out footage posted online. This could be damning to anyone, and that’s why I think standardising the fine for everyone to one amount is unfair. I think a celebrity, a high earning public figure with a thriving career in multiple forms and a large following ought to pay a higher price.

Instead of a standard £10,000 fine, the fine should be worked out in a similar way to tax. A 5 or 20% cut, say, of their annual earnings for that year. Perhaps it should be donated to help towards the covid efforts, PPE and extra staff and all that. I also think that promotions of their own products should be suspended for a period of time. I think they should be held accountable for their actions, and maybe even throw a bit of suspended social media activity. Years ago, that would have sounded like grounding a teenager for staying out too late. Today, so much is achieved through apps such as Instagram, TikTok and Twitter, that it’s become a viable tool to become famous, and keep getting more famous.

For everyone, I don’t think it’s enough to issue adverts of radio asking us if we can look someone in the eye and lie about our adherence to the rules. Instead, I think it should warn those breaking the rules to such a brazen degree that if you choose to break them , no matter who you are, you are wilfully giving the powers that be permission to use your photograph and name and share your identity as one of the few who are potentially keeping us all in this mess. That they were contributing to the spread of a virus that has prevented people from meeting loved ones, from comforting a relative in their last moments, from celebrating life events in the way that they should be celebrated.

I think that if people feel their name, popularity and reputation is threatened, they are much more likely to comply than if they are told that people will die. Sad, isn’t it?

Uncategorized

Sexual Harrassment in the Work Place – It’s Not So Straightforward

maymargaret

How would you define sexual harassment? I guess that’s a loaded question, because today, we know that sexual harassment is much more wide spread than previously acknowledged. And, its not about sexual attraction. Much of the time, knowingly sexually harassing someone is a power trip. Even to those who don’t know they’re making someone uncomfortable, often they will ignore these complaints. From personal experience, anyway.

Now, I know that sexual harassment works both ways. Men and woman alike are guilty of it, as with everything. I also believe that women, in today’s society, are given more free reign in that respect. But that’s another post for another time.

Sexual harassment isn’t black and white. As I have learned, its a complex process I didn’t understand could be so damaging until knowingly experiencing myself, a couple of times in one work place to varying degrees. Two examples come to mind.

My first experience includes a man the work force acknowledged as a well meaning, yet odd fellow. Much older than I was, and yet we worked in a place in which the huge workforce contained many different kinds of people, and we talked. Soon, I heard rumours that he’d been talking about me while I wasn’t around, commenting on my tattoo and about how I looked that day. I also heard that he was telling people he was in love with someone in the work place, and they began to put two and two together. We lived near eachother, and he would cross the road to talk to me, and stare into my home as he walked passed.

The second example was more acute. The above happened over years; this one took a month. Another man, who’d started exhibiting strange behavior and outbursts though known for being mild mannered, asked to walk me home. I said no (politely), and later that day he got in my face, in front of other staff, and warned me against gossiping. A few days later, he gave me a handwritten letter. In it, he disclosed that he was romantically interested in me, an interest I’d repaid with physical and verbal flirtations. I had never spoken to the man. He warned me against playing with his emotions, and accused me of outwardly lying to him about my relationship status. He signed it.

I reported him the following day, and despite warnings against coming up to me, he did. He tried to punch the guy who tried to remind him of what he’d been told, and he was fired.

During this, I actually Google searched what constituted as sexual harassment, or just harassment in general. To me, harassment had to be defined by certain behaviours and actions before I could report it. And yet, I discovered that it wasn’t so simple, and yet, I had many more grounds than I thought.

If someone is making you uncomfortable, it shouldn’t be on you to cope with it, and let them go on. Don’t feel sorry for the lonely individual who doesn’t seem to realize they’re being a bit full on. They might make excuses for themselves, and they might even think that their emotions absolve them of any blame. It doesn’t. You are not responsible for how they feel, or think they feel, much like I wasn’t responsible for those two people. When they were asked to stay away and respect my boundaries, did they listen? Not very closely.

Some people only have to be told once, and they leave you alone. Others don’t realize their error, or do, but carry on anyway. That can make you feel so powerless, but you aren’t. Companies, at the very least, are obligated to listen. And don’t think that your harassment story doesn’t count. Yes, there are many more extreme examples. But who’s to say yours couldn’t become one of them, if not nipped in the bud?

lists

My Pandemic Resolutions

maymargaret

I started last year with so many plans. I guess different goals to what I actually ended up doing, but still, last year could have gone a very different way. Concerts, festivals, travelling… basically everything I resolved to do, or usually do anyway, was cancelled. As a frequenter of Download Festival and person who loves to travel, last year sucked a bit on that part. My second missed opportunity to see Iron Maiden, and now I wonder whether its meant to be.

And while so many expect (an expectation fueled by wishful thinking, perhaps) to be in the midst of a moshpit during the summer months of 2021, I kind of trust that they’ll be disappointed. While so many concerts are covid safe, a festival in which communal toilets and general suspension of usual hygiene standards are perhaps a staple of the weekend experience, the pressure to lock onto the virus will inevitably lead to further cancellations. So, what to do?

I dont want to end this year disappointed, as so many have. And, usually, I dont make what might be traditionally termed as resolutions. But I do like goals. I see both sides of the coin. I like doing things there and then, but I also like putting a time stamp on achievements. I like to look back on the year and think of what I did with my 365 days, and last year was no different. There was a tremendous amount I couldn’t do, but in a way, maybe thats why I did the stuff I actually did. So this year, I want to make a point of setting goals I know will be achievable, even during these enduringly uncertain times.

1. Read more – I read a ton, but it could always be a bit more varied. I’ve recently gotten into dystopia fiction, so maybe a wider scope is on the horizon yet.

2. Learn to play guitar – this has been a goal of mine since 14, but there’s always something else to do. But I want to get out of this year with at least one song learned that isn’t Metallica related.

3. Watch more films – I love my movies. Often movie lovers (from my personal experience) have been judged as couch potatoes. But I’m the best at movie quizzes, if I do say so myself.

4. Run 15km – last year I reached 10, and kind of just stuck to 5 after that.

5. Finally achieve side splits – yoga has been a bit intermittent this year. But now I have the space to do it, so no excuses

6. The three peaks challenge – this was last year’s goal, and the one that didn’t come to fruition. Scafell, Snowdon and Ben Nevis. I’ve done the later two at very different times, so I’d like to make all three.

7. Try self publishing – gotta start somewhere right?

8. Paint more for pleasure – last year I took on a lot of commissions. So many that, while I enjoyed painting members of peoples family, it took the creativity out of me a bit.

9. More photography – I got into taking photos last year, specifically of simple pleasures. Flowers, the sky, the butterfly heading this post. I’d love to have canvases of them.

Were going into this year with a bit of an advantage, if that’s the right word. We know to treat it with caution. We know not to make plans, or at least, we know what plans not to make. This year could still pan out in so many ways, good or bad, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t count, right?

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What is Actually Wrong With Love Actually?

maymargaret

I love ‘Love Actually’, actually, to quote Kitty from Ghosts. British romcoms just have that thing about them, from my totally biased British opinion. They are cosy and unrealistic and feature a barrage of clumsy bumbling characters. Usually featuring Hugh Grant if you’re thinking of a certain time period for British romcoms. But yes, I love them. I love the stiff upper lip awkwardness, the double entendre, and yes, there are plenty of stereotypes. But movies have stereotypes. And, and this is my main point, movies are fictional.

You’ve probably seen the following kind of article lately. I watched this and I have questions. I watched that classic film and I was horrified. I’m watching love actually for the first time and it’s AWFUL!!! Yes. We get it. It was made in 2003 and you’re super offended by its lack of 2020 standards (and “oh the Andrew Lincoln scene is just creepy”). But is it that bad? I don’t think so. In fact, there’s so many good things about Love Actually that these people don’t seem to realise. The smattering of jokes unique to British humour. The singing priminister’s guard, the irony of a pair of movie body doubles struggling to ask each other out. Emma Thompson’s acting. References to the passengers aboard the planes of 9/11.

The scene between Keira Knightly and Andrew Lincoln is still my favourite scene. As he mentions, he’s confession to provide an explanation, clear the air. Not with any other motives. “With no agenda.”

The criticism around Love Actually and other films of the like, such as Four Weddings and a Funeral, has increased in the last year or two. The key criticism being too straight, or too white. As I say, we are not in the time we were. As for Four Weddings, in my opinion, it features one of the most modern and respectful depictions of a gay couple, even by the depictions used today (such James Corden in that Netflix film… Prom, is it?). In a sea of incorrect and potentially hurtful stereotypes of gay men, we saw a couple that weren’t characatures for cheap jokes. We just saw a couple, the only couple among that group of romantically unsuccessful friends, fully accepted by all.

We need to edge away from the idea that all movies need to depict social issues, need to shoehorn characters in for the sake of diversity. So many films focus on one group of people, and yet today there seems to be this pressure to feature as many racial, cultural and LGBTQ groups as possible into mainstream movies. So much so that it deviates from a true story. Love Actually may have its issues when viewed from the lenses of today, but it wasn’t made for that. It was made for audiences of then. Movies used to be made for escapism. To reflect technological advances. To tell a story. Today, even in a fantasy or a superhero flick, we are being reminded of social issues and imbalances. In the time we are currently in, do we need to be reminded in the evenings too that the world isn’t perfect? Do we need our TV shows to preach to us in a time of what we want to use for relaxation and switching off?

Yes, some movies should be made to deliver a message. But other movies can simply exist to have fun with. To watch when we just want to feel warm and fuzzy, or cry like no one is watching. What, I ask, is wrong with that?

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2020 in Review

maymargaret

If there’s one phrase I keep hearing, its “I can’t wait for 2020 to be over” and the like. And yes, I get that. Its been a turbulent year. But the reality is that the pandemic will not be limited to 2020. In fact, the pandemic for many parts of the world began before 2020. Today, I wondered whether I’d still be judging people for not wearing a mask or standing 2 meters apart in a year’s time. It feels like second nature now, to distance and mask up each time I’m in a shop, and sneer at those for not doing so. Its been a unique year, to say the least.

But does that mean its write off? For many who have lost loved ones, who have been isolated, or who have faced this pandemic from the front line, perhaps that is the case. 2020 for many has, in short, been an absolute shit storm. Redundancies, job losses, cut backs, companies closing because they cannot fund running in the midst of a virus that results in reduced custom. But for the rest of us, 2020 has meant more time with family, working in the comfort of our jammies, and having just that little bit more time to take stock of our mental and physical health. Rather than declare 2020 as just a year that shouldn’t count, I’m taking it from my privileged position as a period in history in which I was there. Taking the good with the bad.

So what has 2020 been to me? And yes, I’m focusing on the positives. There’s too much negativity in the world to begin with.

2020 has meant branching out. More and different books, trying a few different crafts, watching a few different films. TV shows I’ve never thought about watching before. Having that time has meant not being too tired after a day’s work to do anything more than flopping on the sofa to watch the same old same old.

2020 has meant more time for education. I started and finished (and passed) my first module for my masters degree. Due to working from home, my lunch breaks and down time were filled with essays and reading as opposed to mindless scrolling through my phone.

2020 has meant fitness goals. Back in March I ran my first 10km, as I was meant to be doing a charity 10k elsewhere. Instead, I did it on my own, on a treadmill, in my living room, with a virtual tour of Vienna on the go on my TV. I’ve also been working more on my yoga, and I’m sure I’ve progressed (somehow).

2020 has meant more painting. Art has been in my life since my first bronchiosaurus drawing at the age of 5. But this year I’ve done many more commisions than usual, and its given me the chance to develop. I’ve painted birds and babies for the first time. Turns out I’m not too shabby if I do say so myself.

2020 has meant new experiences. I’ve never worked from home before, and I do quite like it. I passed my 1 year anniversary at my job on the 18th. Its also given me the drive to take my first long weekend trip on my own, which was not only greatly needed, but a big kick in my confidence of my own independence too.

2020 has meant moving out – last week, I moved in to an apartment with my fiance. A couple of arguments with the company selling us our table later (a further couple about the broadband) and I think we’re actually formulating a home.

2020 has, in short, meant progress. I’m a true believer in baby steps, that progress counts everywhere, and can happen anywhere. If you’re reading this, you have survived this pandemic so far. Maybe you’ve partaken in the plays streamed on YouTube, taken up a long distance course to pass the time. Maybe you’ve used your time to learn a few guitar chords. Whatever this year has been, its been an experience. Whether good or bad, we’re still here.

Merry Chrimbo and a Happy New Year

Xx