Tag: psychology

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Loneliness Isn’t New, So Welcome to the Party

maymargaret

The pandemic, one may have thought, has been a great leveller in terms of social situation. But is that what the evidence shows?

As someone who has experienced loneliness, I know it isn’t a great time. When I was 19, the only person I felt I had was my then boyfriend, who was going to university in Wales. By this time, I’d left college and injected myself into a sort of limbo where I wanted to study, I wanted to work, and I couldn’t see any sort of marriage between the two. My friends had drifted away thanks to little effort on my part and already crumbling relationships following leaving school, and there was suddenly nothing we had in common anymore. We all went our separate ways. One my lowest day, I’d signed on for my JSA (job seekers allowance) for the first time after weeks of resistance, went to my bedroom where I hadn’t bothered to open my curtains that morning, and cried. I felt the loneliest I’d ever felt, and with no one around to help me out of this hole I’d dug for myself.

But loneliness isn’t uncommon. I was just one of a small percentage of the population. Prior to covid, around 8% of the population in the UK reported always feeling lonely, while just a few months later, in the midst of this still relatively new pandemic, the data had shifted that number up to 18%. Covid wasn’t the only disease spreading, so it seemed. But does this mean that loneliness rose, or does it mean that because so many people were on their own, that loneliness lost it’s stigma and was simply expected?

Some studies show that, actually, covid really didn’t change matters all that much. One study by Groarke (2020) showed that the pandemic didn’t factor in as a risk factor for loneliness, and in fact it was due to circumstance; those hardest hit with loneliness tend to be younger, unemployed, students, divorced or with exisiting mental health struggles, none of the above due to the pandemic in particular. In fact, some studies found that the lonely got lonelier, and the least lonely simply made do with the resources that they had; those least likely to suffer with loneliness were more willing to participate in online classes, have friends they could call, and online events to attend. The pandemic hasn’t created lonely people; it’s simply cut off more ways in which they can emerge back out into the world.

I’m thankful to have the network of friends I’ve built up over the years. One or two of them have experienced loneliness and isolation, but as per the advice websites that cover loneliness online, they have called a friend, sometimes me, and had a chat. But there’s so many people who don’t have friends they can chat to, someone who isn’t a parent or a partner. If I was in the same social situation I was eight years ago during the pandemic as an unemployed, friendless young person with no prospects, I don’t know how I would have coped. To know that there are people who have experienced the pandemic in this very manner is tragic. To feel that loneliness is at risk of becoming normalised due to a pandemic that has made it affect more people in the short term makes me wonder whether those truly isolated people will get the help and attention they need, or whether the sound of loneliness will be the voices of those who experienced it acutely, shallowly, and still with a network of friends around them throughout this whole experience.

Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Over-rule Overthinking – How I Learned to Manage my anxiety

maymargaret

Anxiety is one of those things that all of us have experienced, and, when it conflicts with our everyday life, we might get a diagnosis. Social anxiety, generalised anxiety disorder, panic attacks, agoraphobia…. as time goes on, anxiety is becoming more and more commonplace, made aware of, and diagnosed. I’ve suffered with anxiety for most, if not all, of my teenage and adult years, and while I’ve never been diagnosed with anything, I don’t need a weatherman to tell me it’s raining, and I let it stop me doing what I wanted for a large portion of my life.

One particular incident that sticks in my mind is being scared to go to school. I had no reason to be, but I was at home in my living room staring at the front door, in tears. It was completely random, and probably happened three times during my whole time at secondary school. Another time was when I had a panic attack at the front of class during a presentation. But I’ve discussed my fear of public speaking before.

So how do you get out of letting anxiety rule you to the point of not going out, simply because your heart races at the very idea? Anxiety and panic manifests in so many different scenarios for people; going to class, going to work, before a big life event like a wedding, or when confronted by the very thing we are most afraid of without really knowing why. The key is to confront your fear, but in a measured, structured way. Of course, this process is different for everyone. It might be a case of defining a list of what we’d like to achieve and working through each item, step by step.

First and foremost, anxiety is defined by worry, panic and negative thoughts. The typical cycle begins with a event, that typically triggers a negative thought and that leads to a feeling. Often this will lead to us fearing similar events. One example might be to be among work colleagues, and you say something; maybe it was a joke that no one laughed at, or you stated a fact and were told you were wrong. I use this example because I used to be terrified of saying something wrong incase I was seen as stupid, and would get flustered any time I was ever even responded to. In this case, you might get embarrassed, you heart might beat hard and your palms become sweaty. Later that night it is likely to run around in circles in your head like an old film on a loop.

So How Might You Break Out of this Behaviour?

1. Narrow down your fears – it can be easy to let your anxiety bleed into everything you do. Fear of social situations can cause one to become scared of going out in general, even to the local shop. Anxiety in the form of phobias can have a huge impact on whether we go out to certain places. If someone is scared of heights, this may greatly diminish the likelihood of boarding an aeroplane. But where does the fear stem from? It might be such a long standing fear that it might be impossible to tell, but consider instead what makes you anxious about these situations. Do phone calls make you nervous? Why is that? Is it because you’re not able to see the facial expressions of the other person? If you scared of dogs, can that be rooted to an experience?

2. Separate rational from the irrational – the most known definition of a phobia is an “irrational fear” of a situation or object we might come across in our every day life. Now, there are so many different phobias around now that it’s impossible to know what all of them are. Some, I believe, are fully rational. Fear of heights, blood and confined spaces are all rational in my opinion, because they all present a real danger. Not all fears are to be overcome; anxiety is an evolutionary technique of self preservation to keep ourselves safe, and if we perceive something as being dangerous, such as a large spider, while it might pose a real threat to ourselves if we don’t live in countries like Austrailia, it is there for a reason.

3. Set your boundaries, and respect them – don’t do anything you don’t want to do, but if you have to, work up to it. This might be meeting with a large group of friends as an end goal for someone with social phobia. Start with a phone call with a friend, or perhaps a video chat. You’re in your own comfortable space, in your own comfort zone, and you can leave whenever you like. If you need to, have a reason to leave prepared. Maybe the doorbell went, or you have something cooking.

4. Talk, and listen – anxiety is far more common than anyone might think. The cruelty (and the saving grace) is that everyone has experienced anxiety, and its highly isolating effects. It’s so easy to feel alone during a panic attack, and we might avoid potentially helpful experiences in case they trigger one. But talking can help, if you’re talking to someone who’s willing to be open about it. Thankfully all of my friends, close family and fiance have all had experiences with anxiety that have made them open about it, because they know. They know the value of talking about it, of describing each feeling and why they felt it.

5. Challenge yourself – once in a while, you’ve just got to think, well, fuck it. My big step was going somewhere alone. I really tried with the cinema, but try as my logical mind did, I still pictured being the only tragic person alone watching The Phantom Thread at Cineworld in an empty auditorium, a single shadow. So on that day, I figured I’d do something else equally daunting, and potentially more empowering; going for lunch in a restaurant by myself. I had my book, it was wonderful. The weather was lovely, I had no rush in me because I had a half day at work. Bliss. I couldn’t be stopped after that until…well, you know. And by the way, if anyone if unentertained enough by their eating companion to notice and judge you for being alone, don’t worry. They’re most likely envious that they haven’t got the confidence to do it.

6. Recognise the benefits – there are far more benefits to breaking free of the restricting habits. But, of course, the safety of the cocoon anxiety nets around us leaves us at little risk of danger. In this cocoon, we cannot make a fool of ourselves, cannot say the wrong thing, and probably wont have a panic attack unless we think really hard about the toll anxiety is having on our lives and our mental wellbeing. But to break out of that let’s you become more aware of your strengths and that, despite your worries, you were still able to make the push outwards.

Ways I Conquered the Rule Anxiety Had

1. Going for lunch alone

2. Going to lectures and library talks alone

3. Going on holiday without my parents (I have an absolute conviction every time I line up for check in that I’ve arrived on the wrong day).

4. Taking charge of meals with friends and family by booking myself.

5. Making phonecalls

6. Going to London alone

7. Presenting an idea to my workmates before I had time to get nervous and didn’t say a thing

lists, Opinion and Advice, Uncategorized

Back to Life, Back to Reality – Learning to Appreciate

maymargaret

How many generations can say they have had their lives put on pause, just to be started up again more than a year later? Not in our life time has something happened on this scale, and it will feel strange as restrictions ease, and we can think about getting back to normal life. But what is normal life? For me, its going to an office to work, to a library or a cafe to study and watch the world pass by, to go on a holiday at least once a year. Simple pleasures, but as we inch closer to those things becoming more than a distant dream, we might find how much we appreciate them. Even if we appreciate them for only a moment, a fraction of a minute, it’s enough to feel it. It’s enough to make me see, anyway, that average life is something to yearn towards, with all its nooks and crannies, and that those little things really do matter.

So what have you missed?

Here’s my list, just because I’ve missed it all so much that I want to talk about it.

1. Eating at a restaurant – the first time I went to a restaurant after the last lockdown lifted, it was a new place in my local town centre called the Flying Elephant, and really, they could have served slop and I would have been thrilled to just be out seeing people. Alas, it was gorgeous and tasted all that much better because it was, at that moment, an out of the ordinary experience.

2. Travelling without feeling guilty – as I don’t drive, I rely on the public transport available such as trains. To keep myself mentally healthy, I based my office at my parent’s place, and my efforts paid off. I kept myself isolated, did my testing. But each time I travelled I still felt like a criminal.

3. Gyms – I love the gym, and yes, I know you can work out at home and go for a run anywhere, but there’s the atmosphere, the camaraderie, at a gym. Everyone there for the same goal, and I think that if you see other people working out, it encourages you to work harder. Plus hygiene is finally being kept up by everyone wiping down equipment, which is what they should be doing anyway.

4. Saunas – Ah, the reason for this post. I love saunas, steamrooms and hot tubs, and for the first time in over a year I used one, and it was wonderful, and I slept like a baby.

5. Travelling within the UK – once a month my fiance and I will typically do a weekend stay in the country. These places have included Stratford Upon Avon, Cambridge, Lincoln and Chester, but this has been on hold (obviously). But we’re planning a trip to Bath in a couple of weeks. It’s something to look forward to, to plan, as a little break from the norm.

The ordinary stuff, up until recently, went relatively unnoticed and unappreciated. I took for granted the liberty of going to a gym, out for a meal, hugs… with certain people, anyway. I know it won’t stick; not for me, not for everyone. But to understand how wonderful our normal routine truly is, even for a moment, is enough.

nature, photography

100 Days of Nature – Day 83 – The Little Features

maymargaret

Look closer at the little things you come across and usually pass every day without a second thought, they may be more beautiful than you think.

nature, photography

100 Days of Nature – Day 83 – The Little Features

maymargaret

Look closer at the little things you come across and usually pass every day without a second thought, they may be more beautiful than you think.

Uncategorized

100 Days of Nature – Day 78 – Familiar Places, New Paths

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nature

100 Days of Nature – Day 77 – Delicate

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nature

100 Days of Nature – Day 71 – Looking Up

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Opinion and Advice

Why Couples Should Probably Rent First – Testing the Waters.

maymargaret

Before I decided to move out (during the pandemic rather than after it had settled down) the idea of renting was somewhat drilled into me as an undesirable waste of money. Renting meant giving money on a monthly basis to help someone else get wealthier, while my living space would never be mine in the way that I would want it. It would always be someone else’s to call the shots with. Instead, mortgages and actually buying straight of the bat was the way to go. My own space to do what I wanted with. That was the way to go, the right way.

But is it? Or is it perhaps that renting is a wise way of testing the waters?

During the pandemic, there’s probably been a big shift in living arrangements for many of us. Those of us in relationships who still live at home might have moved in with their significant other’s family, or they might have come to you. This might have been the situation already while, as a couple, you’ve been saving to buy your first home. I know a couple in this situation, who are buying with a help to buy mainly because they can’t stand living with the others’ family. During lock down, relationships have come under strain, and arguments start over the most pathetic things. Who broke what and who used someone else’s something or other. The people in our household are literally the only people we can be in close quarters with, and that might be seen as a great opportunity for relationship building. For the short term, at least. For a year? Maybe any way of escape might do.

But then I know other couples. One couple who brought a house together fresh from years living in one of their family homes. A family home that just happens to be streaming with young kids. Getting their own space was the only solution, and, again, buying was the only acceptable option. A couple of years later (one pandemic later) and something unexpected happens.

They realise they don’t like each other.

Why did it take a pandemic to realise this? Well, this couple just happens to be a very sociable couple, who spend Friday and Saturday nights out with friends and the rest of the week at work, thinking about the future nights out with friends. In comes Corona virus, and suddenly this couple have been forced to spend time together, with no one else. Horror of horrors, it has resulted in rows, one vandalised car and one of which begging to move back in to his busy childhood home.

Now, maybe this is an extreme case; we all get sick of each other and everyone from time to time, but the issue here is that it began before the pandemic. Only,  distractions were available. We could meet a friend, go for a drink, go on holiday. Have a holiday or a night out to look forward to. Now, they’re stuck together in a house they have brought, asking for more than people can afford because now, they want separate living arrangements, and they want to make a profit. Not the easiest of situations to get out of in the best of times.

On the flip side, my fiance and I knew that we didn’t have much experience living with each other, so I suggested renting a place for a year, maybe two. My family didn’t like the idea, but I’m proud to say that, according to them, I changed their minds. Of course, having this comparison couple might have helped me look like the less naive one, but I think it’s a valuable piece of advice for other couples. Living with family may have its perks, but it also has its downsides for couples. Nonetheless, this doesn’t give you the knowledge you need to know whether you’re compatible cohabitation wise. As a couple, it may be you against the in laws. A couple against the rest of the house. Dreaming of having your own space might give you rose tinted specs when looking at the other person. Buying your first home is encouraged as a right of passage, while renting is discouraged as a quick fix. Maybe it is, but it’s also valuable in learning about each other.

When we moved in together, I honestly didn’t know how it would go down. I knew he was messy while I was a neat freak, and that he had a proclivity to get bored on his own. Now, I’m glad to say that now I know that he has moments of tidiness while a sock on the floor doesn’t bother me as much as it used to. Plus, as only children, we both like our own space, and knowing that the other person is just in the next room is comfort enough. Renting has been the best choice we could make for ourselves, but it could have gone the other way.