Tag: psychology

Uncategorized

Adulthood is Who You Are – Not what You’ve Achieved

maymargaret

I got accepted for an apartment yesterday. This might be no big deal for many my age (27) but it is to me. This is not only my first apartment. I’m moving out of my family home.

I’ve been self conscious about this fact, because so many people I know are already married with kids, a house of their own. All that adult stuff we’re told makes you an adult.

But most of my friends haven’t got that far yet. And yet, they still felt like more adult to me. They drive, for one. I don’t. I’ve settled on the fact that I’m just not meant to be a driver, and frankly, I’m okay with that. I’ve failed my test enough now to know its not meant to be.

I have been treated differently for this reason, however. Because I don’t drive or have chosen to stay at home until I could save enough for a deposit, I’ve often been called out for my lack of life experience. But this isn’t life experience. Its just a different life experience.

I’m sure loads of people my age have confronted this… this self anxiety, for want of a better term. Lying awake at night, wondering whether that person is more adult because they’ve done this, or done that. But now I see the use in having these thoughts. It really makes you see just what makes an adult. Is it a belief that as long as you have a car, house and bills, you quality as the font of wisdom? Or is it an awareness that often, these are just drilled into us to keep us spending, because apparently adulthood is so desirable?

So what if my life experience is different? I’ve still done my degree. I’ve still been in full time employment for my whole adult life. I’ve still paid my taxes. I’ve known work stress and anxiety, I’ve travelled much more than those who boast more life experience and have the driving licence to prove it.

So I say this; don’t be self conscious about where you are in life. I’ve gone too long thinking that I’m deserving of the condescension. If I’d followed that path, I wouldn’t feel what I feel now. Being an adult and being a grown up are two different concepts.

Uncategorized

How to Not Lose it While Remote Working

maymargaret

I’ve been working from home now since the first lockdown began, and, i’ll be honest, at first the idea was exciting. I’d never worked from home before, and my head was filled with plans of all the stuff I was going to get done with my time. I’d finally be able to have a proper healthy breakfast, instead of a packet of breakfast biscuits on the train. I’d be able to swap sitting at my desk staring at my phone during lunch for a jog, or yoga, or taking the dog a walk. Anything active. But, as time has gone on and the company I work for has evolved in its strategies to keep us all connected, we’ve all expressed feelings of isolation, and actually missing the social aspects of office working.

But, for me anyway, and as for many, remote working might be here to stay, at least in some context. It’s been a mixed bag, but there are some ways you can not only cope with remote working, but make the best of it, too.

1. Take control of your work environment – an office is a public space. While that’s pointing out the obvious, while we’re feeling lonely and cut off, it might be an idea to remind yourself of the more negative points of sharing a work space. If you want a window open, open a window. If you want music, play it. If you want all the lights on, power to you. In an office, the control of the environment either comes down to the management, majority, or that one person who throws awareness for others to the wind and opens a window when everyone else is shivering in their coats.

2. Wake up early…but not too early – take advantage of the fact that your desk is only a few steps away. That might mean staying in bed for a few minutes more, doing the housework, or a getting a workout in.

3. Get dressed – I’ve made the mistake of slipping into the habit of staying in my jams a few times, and those are the days I feel a bit rubbish about things. I love getting ready, and putting the time into one’s appearance can make a world of difference. It doesn’t matter whether you’re going to be on camera; jams are for sleeping in and lazing around when you feel like it. But a productive mindset might just start with a shower and fresh clothes.

4. Split the day with something active – whether you get an hour or half an hour for lunch, that time can have many possibilities in how it can be used, that just might not be accessible in normal office circumstances. Go for a run, or find a workout on YouTube. My office has become my gym, too, with a desk treadmill at the side. This has also taught me that I dont need a gym membership, so in the long run (huhuh) I’m saving money, too.

5. Screen breaks – Take them! – I never know what to do during a screen break at work, and end up either working through it because I don’t want to look like skiving, or dashing to the toilet. Because making a cuppa doesn’t take 5 minutes. But now, I do a bit of reading, knitting, or just something else that tickles my fancy.

6. Meetings – particularly during company wide meetings, with one person talking while everyone else is muted and no ones camera is switched on, I’ve done something else. Commissions, finished books, made paper flowers, made apple pie… I’ve had naps, too. Under a blanket, earphones in, lovely.

7. Mindfulness/ meditation – while I’ve been remote working I’ve been listening to a lovely classical radio station called Scala radio, and every day at 2pm they have a mindfulness session. Whenever I put this station on, I get myself comfy, maybe grab some cake or pie that I’ve made, and just listen, all in the moment. Its only about 10 minutes long, but its worth it.

8. Meditation in the morning – branching off of the last suggestion, a bit of meditation first thing does help. Particularly during these anxious times, its nice to just create a moment and breathe. Meditation used to stress me out, because I thought your mind has to be absolutely clear of thoughts to work. Like, you couldn’t think of anything. That’s what alot of guided sessions said, anyway. So I gave up. But thinking you can’t think of anything makes it worse, and you end up thinking because you’ve been told not to. This is the White Bear effect; don’t think of a white bear! Did you? Now, more practices encourage you to acknowledge the thoughts that occur to you, and then recentre. I’ve found that my days are much more relaxed after doing this for around 10 minutes, even if I’m not great at it yet.

9. Make taking care of yourself a priority – it’s easy to get frustrated with the situation. Its easy to allow one run in to effect your day; I know I have. And I know how easy it is to let yourself get worked up over one minute mistake, and maybe you’re worked up because someone has placed disproportionate importance on that mistake. I’ve lost sleep over mine, and thats were vicious cycles begin. But don’t let them throw you off. Eat as healthy as you can, but allow yourself a lapse now and again. Take time out for your creative endeavours, and at the end of your day, relax and think of all the good things that happen. Treat where you went wrong as learning curves, teachable moments.

10. Have fun with it! – play your music loud (be considerate of the neighbors, mind) and just sing, or dance, at your desk. I do. No one can see or hear you (if you’re alone, anyway) and if they do, like the window cleaner did earlier today when I had no idea he was cleaning an open window, shrug it off. It probably gave him a laugh. People need a laugh right now, so good deed to me!

Uncategorized

So what if you’re not a career type?

maymargaret

I’ve had a few jobs in my time. Not as many as some, but maybe more than others. That makes me sound like I can’t hold down a post, but I spent 5 years at my first company while I studied for my degree part time. It was clerical, mundane, and same old. And I wouldn’t change that for the world.

There’s a comfort in repetitive jobs. Whether yours may be desk post like mine, or production operative (I’ve done a bit of that, too) or call centre job, we’ve probably all had a moment (or moments) where we’ve doubted the importance of our role in the wider scheme of things. Scrolling through Instagram doesn’t help, watching your friends, or strangers for that matter, apparently ‘doing life’ better than you. All these phrases and buzz words start emerging for what we see; living their best life, winning at life, life goals. Career types who travel for work and wear sharp, flattering outfits. Al fresco breakfasts on the patio of the villa they’re staying in for the week to get away from the hustle.

It can make one feel quite inadequate, can’t it? But the grass isn’t always greener, as they say.

As I’ve said, I work a desk job. Its dull, and for now, a bit dead end. But I can listen to books on Audible, and go for a job in my lunch break. I can work at home, and I count it as a blessing that my work has gone otherwise uninterrupted during the pandemic.

I’ve known some of these career types, however, personally. It isn’t always pretty, and there’s a lot of sacrifices. My fiance was a teacher for about a year, and goodness, he hated it. The good intention was there, and I’m sure he was a good teacher, too. But that was only a small part of a job that demanded too much evening time, too much weekend time, and holidays that could only be taken at certain times of the year. He made himself ill for a long time, and finally he quit to work for my old company. Someone else I know has no hobbies, and has never travelled out of the country (we live in the UK) because he just doesn’t see the point. That’s okay, but the career he has placed so much importance on is actually going nowhere.

Now, I am only speaking from my point of view. There are many people out there with careers and lives they enjoy, and have found that balance. But I reckon there’s more of us who have had those doubts late at night, knowing we have the potential. Sometimes, knowing we have potential is good enough. But sometimes, it makes it worse. It makes it feel like we’re wasting a gift.

But I think, from my experience, careers aren’t worth it. Last year, I had the opportunity to work in a counselling setting. I’m a qualified counsellor, and I’d be getting the chance to interact with patients. I was also assured in the meeting that in time, I might be referred to train as a counsellor myself.

But I hated it. I dont know what it was, but I hated it. I missed the safety of mundane, repetitive, no stress. I felt guilty, because I’d looked forward to this job so much. But then, I learned that maybe educational endeavours and professional don’t always mix. I learned that sometimes, your aspirations might not always be what you want to do, but what you want to want to do. What you think you should want to do.

So now I’m content with my desk job. I’m well travelled, studying for my masters, with a load of hobbies and I’m writing stories. And I dont think i’d be that person if I was a career type.

Uncategorized

Overwhelmed by Productivity

maymargaret

Its easy to let it take you over sometimes. Work, family, those little tasks you’ve told yourself you have no excuse to not do. We don’t want to let anyone down, least of all ourselves, but has productivity become a toxic being since the world began to pause?

Now, I love being productive. Starting the day with a to do list and ticking things off as I go. I sometimes use my 5 minute screen breaks to do something, such as a five minute session of French on Duolingo (I know, still a screen) or doing a bit of tidying somewhere in the house. You can sometimes get more done in that 5 minutes than in 20. I sometimes add things I’ve done just to tick them off straight away, sad little soul I am.

But there are days when you just need to do nothing, and that’s were I fall short. Self care days, I’m sure, are wonderful. Days when you can commit time to just being, without having to think about meetings or cleaning or what you promised a friend you’d do as a favour. The most I’ve ever been able to manage is maybe an evening, following an 8 hour shift, a jog, yoga and cleaning the house. While some of these things can constitute as self care, telling yourself that you won’t be able to relax until you’ve done them isnt all that healthy.

So how can a true self care day be achieved?

1. Plan the evening before – make a list of what you need to get done, as in really need to get done. Deadlines, anything that has no exceptions. Write the deadline down and circle it several times, just to emphasise that it doesn’t need to be done tomorrow.

2. Make a list of reasons as to why you need that day – some of mine have been work related, and some have been degree related. Specify – you need to take a step back from your laptop, you need to gather yourself and organise your thoughts.

3. Think of the consequences – how many times have you walked away from your desk because a colleague was otherwise going to get it? Add this to your list, because conflict is a consequence of not taking time out for yourself. We’re all individual minds, and we can’t be around people all the time. Not if we want clarity with ourselves. On the flip side, what is a consequence of taking a time out? What is the consequence of doing exactly what you want to do all day? Whether it be writing, yoga, a walk or sitting down with an old movie and snacks, can you think of anything bad coming from taking that time?

4. Think of how you want to spend your day – my perfect self care day would be a respectable lie in (basically anything after my usual work start time) and a session of yoga before breakfast. A nice country walk, lunch (maybe making it myself) and coming home to do something creative before watching a 30s screwball comedy and ending the day with a good hot bath and candles. This might sound questionable to you, especially a 30s comedy, but think of how you would spend it, without thinking why.

5. Don’t feel guilty – I feel like guilt is probably the most common counter argument to self care. Taking time out to do nothing but relax can sound like a waste of time, until you think about it. And, if you do some of these things in order to relax (including tidying), absolutely power to you. It’s like sick days. I worked in a place were you got sacked if you took too many sick periods, regardless of reasons (I’m not exaggerating when I mean absolutely regardless) and it was damaging. But now, I’m reading articles telling us why we should be taking more sick days during the pandemic; for our mental health.

I feel that sick days being taken for mental health should not only be encouraged, but also in place as a bookable holiday. Surely that would result in a generally more rested workforce, higher productivity, and lower sick days due to stress and depression?

I feel like mental health, despite its increasing awareness efforts, is still put on the back burner in favour of productivity, and thats the case in everything. It’s become ingrained in us to perform on time, when we’re needed to. We scroll through our Facebook and Instagram, watching other people do amazing things. We see stories of people younger than us making a success of their lives, and trick ourselves into thinking that that is was everyone is doing.

But what has that success costed?

Uncategorized

‘It’ll Never Happen to Me’ – My First Cancer Scare

maymargaret

When I was 11 years old, I was convinced my hair was falling out, and that it was a sign of cancer. Of course, my uneducated brain didn’t know that hair loss was a side effect of chemotherapy, and with hypochondria common in my family, my otherwise (and since) non-hypochondriac brain went into panic mode. I wore my hair up all the time, thinking it would keep it all together. My friend at the time, a full time panicker, supported these concerns with her own. She once thought her gums were turning black, and that her belly button was going to fall out.

But, with relief and no embarressment whatsoever, I realised that the ponytail was actually my enemy, and I was pulling it too tight.

I’ve never had concerns since then, until a week ago. I found a lump. No pain, no heat, no rash. But all the stuff about tumours and breast cancer I’d learned in human biology a level fell out my ears, and my stomach dropped like it was in an elevator. I couldn’t sleep all night, and the next morning my brain was filled with it at my desk. A battle between self assurance and what ifs. It’s nothing, there’s no pain or any of the symptoms from the NHS website. But what if it’s early stages? I can still catch it if I get a check up. But what if they say nothing can be done? I’d rather live my life without that ticking above my head reminding me that I only have limited time left.

Of course, we do have limited time. We are living things afterall, and living things don’t last forever. And I’ve had those moments of clarity at random times once every few months. But never before have I been so struck with it. We, as humans, are naturally predisposed to think it’ll never happen to me. But it might, and it was a lesson that was wretched as it was necessary.

Monday rolled around, and, after a week of scaring myself and a panic attack, I told someone, and went to get it checked. It’s funny; once I’d spoken about it I was okay. Acknowledgement was key, apparently. I even went back online to look up benign breast tumours such as fibroblastomas, which are very common occurrences. Very few become insidious.

But the chat with the doctor helped. After an examination she also told me about fibroblastomas and how that was probably a worst case scenario.

At the end of it, it has been a learning curve. I like to treat what I can as a learning curve, and I probably overuse the term to annoying levels. But it was. It taught me that it can happen, to anyone at any time. Regardless of family history, or how little alcohol you drink. I kept thinking about my old school teacher. He told us his mother brought a book that detailed everything that was known to increase the risk of cancer. Certain soaps, tins, all that. She cut everything she could out of her life style and swapped for safer options, and a year later she was diagnosed with early stage cancer.

It told me about checking, and being familiar with what shouldn’t be there, and what should. It also taught me about bravery. A large portion of the battle was to admit to myself that I needed to acknowledge it, if just to confirm to myself that nothing was wrong. Not everyone is that lucky.

But it’s worth getting it checked, if just for the peace of mind. It most likely is nothing. But wouldn’t you rather know?

Uncategorized

Beauty in the Detail – Nature Walks

maymargaret

Appreciating nature is probably more important now than ever. And I’m not just talking about the awful and oh so prevalent topic of lockdown, quarantine, covid and all that. The truth of the matter is, the world is becoming a more concrete place. Fields are being lost to housing estates, office buildings are places we spend a third of our day in (in normal circumstances). And while we work from home now, it’s becoming increasingly possible that our houses are not only places we come home to relax. They may be our places of work, exercise, entertainment etc. I’ve noticed personally that there have been full days were I dont leave the house at all, simply for forgetting. Finish work at four, do all the things I’ve convinced myself I need to do, and then sit down and ready for the night. As the nights grow darker earlier, its easy to fall into this routine.

Now, we might not all have scenes of nature close by to walk around. I’m quite lucky in that respect, since I live in an area with quite a few wooded areas. But that doesn’t mean nature can’t be appreciated. Instead, it might just require a little bit of a closer look.

Another obstacle of enjoying nature walks might be why. I’m also guilty of this. I often fall into the trap of thinking that if there’s no purpose to something, no end goal besides a few breaths of cleaner air and a bit of sunshine, am I really gaining anything? Of course, those things are exactly what I’m gaining. If I’ve had a run in at work, or I’m simply irritated, my first port of call is a walk. But, sometimes a little bit of purpose doesn’t hurt.

Photography – at the beginning of the year I got a new phone, and loved the camera on it. So I started taking photographs of some of the flowers I saw on my travels. Photographing things encapsulate a moment, and maybe you could try painting them. This can almost feel like making the moment last longer.

Audiobooks – If you read my ‘Escapism through books’ post, you’d know that I made the serendipitous purchase of a book bucket list. There’s loads of these about that you dont have to buy, just find online. I’m currently reading Lolita by Vladimir Nabokov, a frequent entry on such lists, and try to encourage myself to go out on walks by keeping listening to it specifically for walking. Plus, audiobooks free you to do other things, and can be found online for free.

Mindfulness meditation – up until recently I could never see the purpose of meditation. My mind wanders too much, and sometimes it is nice to be alone with your thoughts while outside. But there are also times you need to switch off, and just look at whats around you. It might be easier to be guided, and there are lots of guided nature mindfulness sessions on Spotify, YouTube, Audible etc. I noticed that my days are less frustrating when I do this just before work; maybe its the idea of a bigger picture, making oneself aware that the world is bigger than your makeshift home office.

A lone picnic – find yourself a nice view, such as a lake, a pond, or the top of a hill. Find it, take a seat, and eat. Maybe find a recipe for something, cook or bake it, and take it with you. Take your time, breathe in the clean air and appreciate whats around you. Last time I tried to do this was at the top of my local mountain, the Wrekin, with a family running around next to me, screaming. Very hard to appreciate them, but no matter. The cake was good.

Uncategorized

A Different Kind of Christmas

maymargaret

Maybe you haven’t gone anywhere this year. Maybe you, like many, many others, have missed your annual week (or two weeks) in the sun to ready for the colder months we are now going into. A few days just to unwind, maybe see a few nice sights, or just drink on a beach and let the sun do its work. Clearly, this year is different. But different doesn’t necessarily mean bad.

For a few weeks now, as we near Christmas, I’ve been seeing a number of different attitudes towards various holidays being cancelled. Halloween is cancelled, Christmas is cancelled. But are they? Or have we built entire celebrations around one event, at the cost of valuing other ways we can appreciate the festive season?

Of course, this year, particularly in the UK, the likelihood of gathering together in large groups for chrimbo dinner are slim to none existent (legally, depending on how large the group is, and how many people live in your household). Traditional Christmas Days are, this year anyway, not going to consist of that picture perfect family wide game of charades after the pudding, or carol singing with neighbors. Is that what people do? I don’t know, but apparently those traditions are worth risking our lives, and the lives of those around us.

Every December for a few years now, my family and I have boarded a cruise to some European city such as Amsterdam and Bruges for the day, and done a bit of Christmas shopping, soaked up some of the local Christmas spirit. It always seems more authentic there, somehow. No one seems stressed pushing a pram around like they do at Birmingham Christmas Market. I brought an elephant dung diary last year and visited a Salvador Dali exhibition I didnt know was on. It was wonderful. The previous year, I booked tickets for my fiance and I to go to the Van Gogh museum in Amsterdam. Again, wonderful.

This year won’t be so cultured, for want of a better word. Or is that what I think because I’m not going anywhere? Culture can be found at home, and the Christmas Spirit can, too.

1. Make Christmas decorations – last year my mom and I pooled a load of our craft scraps and some shower curtain rings on a table, and made bawbals for a charity event at the care home she works for. Just anything we could think of with bits of ribbon, little bells and wooden letters. Those bawbals sold like hot cakes, and earned some money for charity.

2. Practice hygge (that did autocorrect as hygiene, so practice that too) – hygge is the Danish term for coziness and comfort, and while it can be found all year round, Christmas is the time were everything can be hygge. Hot chocolate on the sofa, snuggling beneath a blanket with candles and a book, or a nice autumnonal walk to take in the changing scenery, before coming home to warm up.

3. Classic Christmas movies – in a sea of new Netflix Christmas originals, it might be easy to miss out on some lovely festive classics. One recommendation I have is The Shop Around the Corner. You may or may not know that You’ve Got Mail is a remake of this delightful little film, and some scenes are very clear replicas. The relationship is stripped back and condensed into one main setting between two people who just don’t like each other, without the complication of rival business. There’s a few great minor characters too, creating a small world inside this shop, and thats all it needs.

4. Autumnal or festive baking – sometimes, cosy just means homemade cinnamon swirls. Maybe its a 10 minute break from work with old music and eating some homemade apple pie. Or, it could be a project to keep in mind. This year I’ve made my first Christmas cake, and every two weeks (every other Saturday morning) I feed it two tablespoons of rum. I find myself planning how I’m going to decorate it. And, I think things always taste better homemade. Each of the above I’ve never really been keen on, until I’ve put the time in to make it myself.

5. Going all out with the decorations – this year I think people will go all out with decorations, and I will be one of them. With my office now at home, I will have a little tree on my desk. I will have flashing lights, and I will wear Christmas pajamas if I like. And no one can tell me otherwise. Have fun with it. There’s also very cute decorations you can make, as mentioned, out of ribbon. Little trees out of bows are very nice, as are wreaths made from pine cones you found yourself.

Uncategorized

Progress During the Pandemic

maymargaret

It feels like trying to write about the work pre pandemic would be futile. Mostly because, really, I think of it as behind a mist. Nowadays, when I’m watching TV, I instantly feel like the actors should be socially distanced, even if filmed before it all started. I first noticed while watching a play on YouTube, and its stuck.

I’ve also noticed a distinct lack of progress. The thing about going to work, going on holiday, going to meet friends, is going somewhere, sometimes. Now those things have become digital if they are to exist at all, and my friends and I now do what we call Sanity calls some Sundays. Just to keep in check. Mostly these sessions are spent comparing our varied experiences of the pandemic, and bitching about covidiots.

This sense of being stuck came to a head back in August, and, on the eve of my birthday, I cried. I’m not an emotional person, but I cried like a baby for about 20 minutes. A week later, I was on a coach, on my own, travelling to London on my first ‘holiday’ alone, without my family or my fiance. It was impulsive, safely done and, absolutely necessary.

There’s always something in your life you’re anxious to do, because it makes you anxious. There’s a sort of nervous excitement behind it, and it might be exercising in public or raising your hand in a class, or a meeting, to say something. Anxiety has stopped me from doing these things for most of my life, but my trip to London has taught me these experiences are rewarding in the end. More so if preceded by that initial panic. Sometimes, all it takes is a one second snap.

I think now more than ever, it’s important to maintain an idea of progress. Whether its confronting a fear, creating a research project about anything that may interest you, or just keeping a log of all the things you’re doing, such as new recipes or movies you’ve watched. It’s not pointless, and, while it might not necessarily make you money, or progress you in your careers, it has value. Growth is always valuable.

Uncategorized

Escapism Through Crafts

maymargaret

I’m a serial hobbyist. During this time, I’ve been drawn to things I can do at my desk, to varying degrees of success. I’m a firm believer that creativity is an extremely valuable, both in self worth as well as pouring yourself into something you can be proud of.

Felting- sometimes you just need to stab things with a pin lots (and lots) of times. It may result in some injury, so remember the little leather thimble (does it have a name?) and go to town. It’s rather easy to produce something resembling your idea, whether it be a picture or a pet.

Painting – this is a bit of a cheat, because I’ve been painting for years. But it is relaxing, and depending on your subject matter it can be calming for your thoughts. The best, I find, are landscapes, particularly creating your own. Sihloette paintings like the one below are particularly nice, because essentially its just blocks put together.

Pumpkin carving – so its a little late, but pumpkin, or indeed vegetable carving, can also have similar carthatic qualities to felting. Namely, stabbing and cutting something. Extra satisfaction if its going to be a face. But sadistic tendencies aside, vegetable carving can be very effective visually, and doesn’t have to be wasteful.

Knitting – knitting is practical as well as relaxing, and you can do other things, too. Watch TV, listen to a book, attend a meeting (as long as your camera isn’t on), and so on.

Jewellery making – jewellery making can manifest in ideas out of nothing, and tools can be cost effective. Also, making jewellery can be cost effective, too. You save money on buying by making it yourself, or you can sell it. Win win?

Uncategorized

Stage Fright – A Perspective

maymargaret

When I was 14, I had my first (well, what I can recall as my first) experience of stage fright. It was during English class, and we had to separate into teams to present a fictional murder case. It was nothing to do with what we were studying at the time, which was sci fi in literature. One person from each team was selected to present the same bits of information, including the length of the slit on the fictional victims neck, before it was the next team’s turn.

I remember clearly how I turned out as the speaker, because I was the shyest in the group. I stood up, shaking, and lost all my words, and my friend was laughing in the front row. The teachers both fed the information back to me in questions, and I agreed, before sitting down, traumatised and embarrassed. I still look back at that moment of 30 seconds 13 years on with cringe and anxiety.

People reading the above and similar accounts may have different levels of relatability to this. I envy those who don’t get it, and think that this brief moment in time is not worth dwelling over. There are far, far worse things happening in the world than a panic attack starting before the laughing eyes of 20 13/ 14 year olds, and being handed a piece of paper assessing you on your performance. It was less than half, my failing being the extremely unconfident delivery. Of course, at the age of 14, we’d chosen our GCSE topics. I chose media studies over drama, so I didn’t think I’d ever need to work on my delivery of a fictional crime report.

Not long after this, we had another task in which we’d have to perform in class. This was related to the topic as we were studying monologues. I loved writing fiction, particularly the part of taking on a different perspective. I recall it being from the perspective of a teenage girl who was being ignored by everyone, and reflected and moaned about it for the whole piece. At the end, she walks in on her own wake at home after being ignored at school, not only realising that she’d died but that her father had killed her in a hit and run while on the phone a few streets away, and didn’t tell anyone. He was crying in her bedroom, and then it ended. Angsty? Extremely. Emo was a lifestyle back then. But I got very good marks for it.

But, being a monologue, we each had to prepare a performance piece and act the monologue out in front of the class. Pathetically I got my mom to write me out a note excusing me from this exercise because of a sore throat (I didn’t speak for the whole class to carry the act through) and was told by my teacher that it was, indeed, a pathetic excuse.

Since then, any hint of presenting information has brought me out in a cold sweat. I trust stage fright manifests in a number of diverse ways, but my experience is thumping heart beat and obsessively thinking about it until its over, reassuring myself that nothing truly bad will happen if it goes wrong.

But phobias, by definition, are irrational. I’d love to be able to do presentations, and I’d have loved to have been a teacher one day. Despite my fiancé’s experiences of actually being an NQT, his chosing to not pursue it further have not shattered my idealised picture of encouraging the growth of young minds.

So my thought is this. What is the value of these hateful exercises? Is it preparation for our careers? And if so, how many of our jobs have a presentation element to it? Aren’t there other skills that are infinitely more important for us to learn? Finance, CV building, understanding how the world works. The questionable relevance of what we learn at school has been discussed for a long time, anyway.

Or, are they designed to put us under pressure, to challenge us, to bring us out of our comfort zone? As a teenager, I grew up realising that some people are just comfortable with standing up in a room and talking. Why shouldn’t they be? What’s the worst that can happen?

But for others, no matter how many times they are berated for being too anxious to carry out a fairly pointless task, they will still be thinking about it the previous night, putting off sleep because they know that when they wake up, there worst nightmare is ahead of them.

Do you have any experience of stage fright? Or, if not, what’s your take on the matter? Got any tips? Note: before you say it, imagining some people naked causes more harm than good.